It is hardly surprising that being misunderstood or misjudged by somebody you respect, hurts more than when you have no regard for the person. You do not need to think long and hard to figure this out. The fact that it is so obvious does not help much. You feel you have been misled, tricked, deprived of something precious. If you are as stupid as I am you are trying to straighten things out and.... you may actually make it worse, get even more misunderstood.
Sometimes you just have to let things go, just forget it, stop caring! I have to learn to sense the borderline here -when fighting to maintain your integrity ends and an idealistic quest for truth begins. It is not worth it. You cannot make everybody understand you, your motives, your feelings... What difference would it make anyway? I guess it could even be too dangerous. It is much safer to mold a few versions of oneself, practice the roles, and learn how to decide which one is appropriate for which occasion. I better get started. I do not want to act on impulse again and get in trouble.
A few days ago I thought May was going to be a really good month for me, after so many ups and downs, I hoped this coming month would give me something positive for sure. Something to enjoy. At least part of it has just died. It is all one big farce.
When will I finally learn that I cannot change some things and enjoy what I actually can do?!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
U2 - Walk On
This is my idea of optimism. I'm trying, right? I like finding music and lyrics that fit my mood, feelings, and ideas about life. But I like it even more when what I find transforms these things for me, lets me see and feel differently.
Lyrics for this song:
Walk On
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing....
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can’t sell it, can’t buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home… hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one
Home… I can’t say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme…
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A poem
so tired that it doesn't even hurt that much
we got numb along the way
my hands looking for yours
find emptiness
I made
there are no more words left to say
all of them spent already
you take a knife
and cut the last
hope
you say it's destruction, no way to go on
I say that's how I go on
I've shut it all out
am I the one
mistaken...
what can be moved can be changed, you say
you move things to escape
it's too late to change
it's all been
done
Anybody that may read it - please, do not try to interpret it. Poems are never about true feelings, they are never real, they are ephemeral in their expression and falsify reality. Reality is never poetic. We only make it so. Everybody can read it and find something different in it. I may change or add to it in the future.
we got numb along the way
my hands looking for yours
find emptiness
I made
there are no more words left to say
all of them spent already
you take a knife
and cut the last
hope
you say it's destruction, no way to go on
I say that's how I go on
I've shut it all out
am I the one
mistaken...
what can be moved can be changed, you say
you move things to escape
it's too late to change
it's all been
done
Anybody that may read it - please, do not try to interpret it. Poems are never about true feelings, they are never real, they are ephemeral in their expression and falsify reality. Reality is never poetic. We only make it so. Everybody can read it and find something different in it. I may change or add to it in the future.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
U2 - One
I just thought about this song after I wrote my last post. I don't really know if it has anything to do with what I wrote or not.
Rush
Sometimes I dream about having more time to do all these things I don't get to do on a regular basis like... doing nothing, sleeping a lot, watching TV, listening to music days long, going for a walk, shopping for pleasure and not just for necessities of life, chatting with my friends, getting drunk, reading fiction, writing emails to my friends, adding new pictures to my site, writing a story or a poem, writing an intelligent, thoughtful blog post, maybe even cleaning up my closets... I could go on, and on, and on here but that would only get more and more bizarre, including things I don't even really want to do or would be very improper to do...
I have this long to-do list in my mind all the time, the top 10 shifts from time to time so I cannot even set the priorities and this may be a huge problem. When I finally do have some time, I find it very hard to figure out what I should do in the first place and end up feeling miserable that I cannot do them all. Still, even when my classes are over, there is enough in my life to keep me occupied and not let me do everything! Slowly put a check mark by all of them. So comforting. So impossible. I'm lucky if I get to go through the third of my list. And I'm so tired at the end of my break... And often miserable... I don't understand. I think I'd love to have more time and feel exhausted and overwhelmed when all the things pile up on me and suffocate me but when I get a break from some of them I cannot do anything constructive and I realize I do enjoy having so much to do that it prevents me from wasting my time on things like TV or shopping for things I can do without or keeping my closets in perfect order. Is it workaholism or rather studyholism? Is it that I truly lost the capacity for resting, have I become a "do, achieve, conquer, and the like" junkie? I like the rush of things around me, it makes me feel alive, makes me move, progress, learn, grow... And it also helps forget about the things you want to select and delete but you don't own the computer it's saved on... It helps go on even when you'd much rather sit and cry, stop and give up. I can only hope that's not the main motivation here. That would mean it's much worse than I thought.
I have this long to-do list in my mind all the time, the top 10 shifts from time to time so I cannot even set the priorities and this may be a huge problem. When I finally do have some time, I find it very hard to figure out what I should do in the first place and end up feeling miserable that I cannot do them all. Still, even when my classes are over, there is enough in my life to keep me occupied and not let me do everything! Slowly put a check mark by all of them. So comforting. So impossible. I'm lucky if I get to go through the third of my list. And I'm so tired at the end of my break... And often miserable... I don't understand. I think I'd love to have more time and feel exhausted and overwhelmed when all the things pile up on me and suffocate me but when I get a break from some of them I cannot do anything constructive and I realize I do enjoy having so much to do that it prevents me from wasting my time on things like TV or shopping for things I can do without or keeping my closets in perfect order. Is it workaholism or rather studyholism? Is it that I truly lost the capacity for resting, have I become a "do, achieve, conquer, and the like" junkie? I like the rush of things around me, it makes me feel alive, makes me move, progress, learn, grow... And it also helps forget about the things you want to select and delete but you don't own the computer it's saved on... It helps go on even when you'd much rather sit and cry, stop and give up. I can only hope that's not the main motivation here. That would mean it's much worse than I thought.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Graduate Initiation
My post are getting shorter and shorter... Midterms, term papers, meetings, all that on top of my personal life demands leave me practically with no time at all. Not that anybody notices it anyway. But I'm not going to whine here, I've never really expected it to be different.
I went to a reception for newly admitted students at the Graduate Center in Manhattan. Diagonally across the Empire State Building. Nice. I liked the lobby. I liked the carpets everywhere. I liked how the quiet corridors breathed serious work. I loved the library. It was a very strange experience. I still haven't formulated my thoughts on this one. At least not completely.
They admitted only 18 people so we were outnumbered by faculty members and representatives of current student body. I felt strangely at home, as if I have been waiting for this moment since my more or less mature personal consciousness surfaced. And yet... it was all so surreal, this world of PhDs and research, papers and conferences, low esteem or high esteem depending on the number of books published, wisdom and big egos or both combined in one person sometimes... They seem so amazingly happy to get hold of somebody who shares their interests. How often is their life outside these walls plagued by lack of understanding for their passion? It is sad to sense that.
But then you see some of them truly and deeply involved in some projects which they believe are going to make a difference for many people in the future and you cannot help but feel inspired by it. You cannot help but be drawn to it. Finally some people that at least try to do something. It may be successful or it may be a failure but I can say one thing - they will take this failure and learn from it. And this is what I think somehow, some day, long ago, became my motto. The best strategy that you really hope you won't be forced to use too often in your life. Don't let your mistakes destroy you, use them to make you better. I only wish it was easier to do.
I went to a reception for newly admitted students at the Graduate Center in Manhattan. Diagonally across the Empire State Building. Nice. I liked the lobby. I liked the carpets everywhere. I liked how the quiet corridors breathed serious work. I loved the library. It was a very strange experience. I still haven't formulated my thoughts on this one. At least not completely.
They admitted only 18 people so we were outnumbered by faculty members and representatives of current student body. I felt strangely at home, as if I have been waiting for this moment since my more or less mature personal consciousness surfaced. And yet... it was all so surreal, this world of PhDs and research, papers and conferences, low esteem or high esteem depending on the number of books published, wisdom and big egos or both combined in one person sometimes... They seem so amazingly happy to get hold of somebody who shares their interests. How often is their life outside these walls plagued by lack of understanding for their passion? It is sad to sense that.
But then you see some of them truly and deeply involved in some projects which they believe are going to make a difference for many people in the future and you cannot help but feel inspired by it. You cannot help but be drawn to it. Finally some people that at least try to do something. It may be successful or it may be a failure but I can say one thing - they will take this failure and learn from it. And this is what I think somehow, some day, long ago, became my motto. The best strategy that you really hope you won't be forced to use too often in your life. Don't let your mistakes destroy you, use them to make you better. I only wish it was easier to do.
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