Self-prescribed blindness

There is this proverb in Polish, I have no idea if English has an equivalent, something like "hell is paved with good intentions." I have been wondering how often we use this excuse - "but I meant well", or even childish "I didn't mean to..." It may well be true that we have the best intentions and screw something up anyway, for different reasons - maybe our idea of what was supposed to work was a big misconception? But my question is how often do we say something like that and it is meaningless, or worse - a big fat lie? How many times do we say it to lie to ourselves and how often to others? When it is less painful? How easy (difficult?) is it to convince ourselves or somebody else that we do mean well...
If we really knew ourselves, would that knowledge be helpful (and for whom?) or rather a burden? If we carry some kind of standards within our minds, uniquely developed throughout each person's life, then our self-perception can never be objective anyway. It will unavoidably be a reflection of what we think, feel, and want. When somebody "opens our eyes" to some part of our disposition, is it truly that we get to see what we refused to see before or we are just accepting this person's perceptions/standards/experiences? If most people have only a vague or highly idiosyncratic idea of who they are, is it possible to truly bond with anybody? On what level?
It seems that what we get are only little fragments, shreds of random connections, these sweet little moments of euphoria because it feels, even if only for a short while, that we are understood although we don't understand. That we are accepted although we don't accept. That we are not alone although, eventually, we always are...

Intro to Psychosis

I don't understand my own feelings. And I would love to be simply different. I hate the fact that I 'm so pessimistic and it is so easy to make me feel depressed. I'd like to be be a cheerful, energetic, "it-could-always-be-worse" kind of person. I'd like to be able to have more control over my own self and train myself to do things that I don't feel like doing, especially when it is beneficial for all people involved, or not to do things that are potentially destructive. I would need to change my whole frame of mind. I think that I will waste my life if I don't, but I don't even know where to start. Can we really change our own personality so much?
Since I came back from Poland I have been constantly experiencing a very disturbing separation from the world around me, I'm beginning to feel that I will end up in a mental institution one day. I don't feel like talking... and that is very unusual for me. I feel like shunning reality. I feel vulnerable and ridiculously immature. I see my future diagnosis description - "derangement of personality and impaired contact with reality causing delusions and hallucinations, overall deterioration of normal social functioning." Yep, that's me.
My school is a total abstraction, on every plane possible. They drive me crazy in Syntax when I see the process of creating some theories and adjusting, adjusting, adjusting when a problem arises. It sounds like a great big fake sometimes - stretching reality so that it fits the box nicely. Basically, this is the idea - they would like to define innate language structures in the simplest form possible so that it explains the famous Plato's problem - how is it possible for children to learn a language so fast exposed to such an imperfect input? Why do we think that it has to be so simple - can't our brain process more sophisticated structures? I feel that all of these theories are mostly dictated by our very limited understanding of the world and human brain. All these big name linguists are like children trying to figure out how things work never realizing that maybe the tools they are using are far too small for the job. We are so restricted by our perceptions of the world and so presumptuous in thinking that we know enough to make claims about things that we have hardly access to. Maybe that is why it all sounds like gibberish sometimes; all these attempts to explain, account for, or even just scratch the surface... How can something be called science if it is based on "because he said so" ideas? Even if somebody sounds logical and improves their theories as data flows in, it still stays a "because I call it so" thing. Marcel (my Syntax prof) would kill me if he read this post. He'd say I'm an ignorant (which would not be that far away from the truth...). I'd be an outcast forever.
OK, I managed to redirect my mind and Syntax became my victim to let me relieve some of my frustration about all the other things that I seem to have little control over in my life. Better Syntax than something else. That said, I have to come back to my lovely Government and Binding Theory, which works better than any sleeping pills I have tried so far...