Did it again. Let myself live in a dream. Lulled by a dream. It never ends well, I should have known. Always breaks and then hurts more than before. First, there is hope. Such a dangerous thing. Hope makes you imagine, remember, and think about 'what if...' Then, kindled by kindness, unexpected support, caring... a dream emerges. A dream that it may last. It may still be beautiful.
"I went downstairs for my Christmas gift"
Well aimed. Well indeed. Used against me in different forms before but now it did not anger, no. It saddened beyond words. It sunk deep. Will it always come down to this? Always the same defense. Always the same weapon. My gifts scattered on the floor bored holes that made the loss final.
"I went downstairs for my Christmas gift"
Choked me with pain of a shattered dream. I let it grow too much. It sent too many sharp shards right through me when it fell apart. I got too close. Too close. Could not speak. All the joy I felt that morning evaporated so fast as if it never had the right to have been born. Hurt even more with the hopes nursed for that day that went dead with the dream. No strength left to fight it. To rescue the day. Wasted happiness. Wasted joy. So many wonderful moments that could have happened never came to exist.
Awareness, constant awareness of what this day and the days to come could have but have not been has left me empty. They will never come back. We killed them. I am crying for the lost joy, for the laughs that were taken away, smiles extinguished, love suddenly gone. We owe them the laughs now, never to be repaid. They deserve the joy! Why was it taken from them like that, stupidly?! Why did it have to hurt so much that I could not escape it?
Refused to come with us. The devil wins. Took the control over him and changed his heart. Why did you let it happen? I know. Too much good has transpired. The evil one got anxious and restless. You did not fight it. The sentence snarled at me had a purpose. To give an excuse. To shut me up. And it did. It served well. I still cannot speak. I'm walking empty and longing. Missing the warmth. The phantom of the warmth I dreamed I felt...
Cannot accept the lost dream. Cannot accept the lost joy. Cannot forgive myself for being so weak.
Feeling so heavy and sick, I cry myself to sleep. The devil laughs.
