An issue of being (in)significant

I'm thinking. Is everybody in this world screwed up in some way? If most of us are, then how do we know what the 'normal' state is? Most people would probably say at this point that it depends on a person - a very convenient way to get out of giving a real answer. But is there any truth behind this typically given answer? Are we really so special that there is no state of being normal - mentally and emotionally healthy - that would fit all? A lot of us, growing up in more or less Western culture, have felt the need to be an individual, somebody special and unique, at least a couple of times during our lives. It is amazing that we strive to maintain this individualism thing while we are so insignificant, most of us at least. We create the 'higher purpose' notions, the 'every life is valuable', and such to make us feel that our little life that has so far brought nothing into this world, actually does make sense. Of course, from our standpoint the pain we feel is more acute than the one felt by somebody next to us. We just cannot help feeling it. Even if we know somebody is suffering much more than we are it will hardly ever help elevate our pain. Although I do know a few people who instantly feel better when they find somebody whose situation is worse than theirs... But that's not exactly what I'm trying to talk about. What I'm saying is that so often we forget we are not a center of anything, not to mention of a universe. Our brief moment here on Earth will pass as millions others have and we should consider ourselves lucky if we don't cause any major damage. I cannot believe how worked up we sometimes get about our little things, our little miseries, victories, failures... It could be easier to accept that there is no higher purpose, no goal you are supposed to reach, no particular destiny you should fulfill.

I feel that my life has very little purpose and I don't think I have been able to accept it. I will not write a book that will move millions, I will not compose music that will be played for generations to come, I will not leave anything behind that would be worth while. I can only make very little scratches here and there. I am bringing up two human beings who will probably have their own share of being screwed up and I can do nothing about it, as much as I would want to, as I myself am not particularly healthy in my mind and in my soul. My greatest contribution to this world, my children. And even that I have no real power over. Not only can one say it is not a big deal to reproduce but also that we have a very narrow window of making a difference in their lives anyway. Is it wrong of me then to draw the biggest sense of purpose and strength and happiness in my life from them? It probably is. What will be left when they go their own ways?

My desire to be perfect and do only good and make a huge difference is hardly humble. I don't understand where I have gotten these ideas from. I would hardly say I possess any delusions of grandeur. I guess it must be my own personal way of making sure that I will never feel too good about myself because that would be too close to being proud. Once you adopt such high standards of greatness you are sure you won't get there so you are safe - no chance you're going to be proud. It is true - my life is full of circles, I seem to use these circular paths a lot in my life. The more I think about this the more I feel this is a pointless waste of time. I won't be able to change anything. I don't even know myself. What am I trying to do? I really want to understand who I really am and what makes me do what I do and feel what I feel and how I can finally find some peace in my whole life, a little bit of peace when I feel safe and not uncertain, satisfied and not numb, calm and not anxious. I cannot find a way to disconnect this whole thing from other people - to just reach somewhere into me and find these things. I believe that if I managed to do that I could become a better person. Somebody I have always wanted to be. I wish I could teach my children to be such people - calm, good, sincere, considerate, loving, and so no, and so on. How can I teach them when I am so not even close to all this? I'm afraid of letting my children down, of not giving them what they need to grow up to be better than me.

Tactics

It seems that focusing on somebody else's faults and mistakes is a very widespread technique employed usually when we need or just want to present ourselves as fault-free. A defense is not a particularly appealing method of surviving an attack. An offense, or a counterattack, sounds like a much better idea. Not only can we win the fight but also make everybody forget the original reason behind it. It is particularly useful if we were primarily responsible for the fight in the first place. Having emerged victorious we may feel pure and righteous as it is a well known fact that it's the good guys that win.

A major drawback of depending on this technique too often is that it may take over your life and you will be doing it on a smaller scale but on everyday basis. You will be doing it to win a fight, get an upper hand in any domestic argument, excuse your own not-so-perfect actions to everybody (including, and maybe even most importantly, to yourself) - it will simply become a feel-good-about-yourself necessity. It will fell so good you will forget that you do make mistakes too and may not be always right. The outside reality you have created may become very powerful although you often do not realize you are implementing the whole machine more and more often in your life. You may just be doing what works, without giving it a lot of thought.

It is quite difficult to maintain a positive self-esteem when faced with our numerous imperfections. It may be even more difficult when you tend to be very particular about things, when you like things nice and neat. It's a shame though, if we need to build our own confidence at somebody else's expense. And this, unfortunately, proves much easier than making true changes in ourselves. Of course the easy way is not foolproof - we must realize that whatever we achieved, esteem-wise, in this way, is very superficial and unless we keep putting soap in our eyes and capitalizing on other people's weaknesses for ever, it will eventually become clear that our moral core, which most probably exists in most human beings, has suffered enormously in the process. Once we allow enough of the degeneration to eat at our soul, it is very difficult to reverse the process. You find yourself lost, unsure of who you are, haunted by a feeling of your smallness.

Now, have you become simply obnoxious along the way? Has your spouse adopted the same strategy to deal with you, even if for different reasons? Who is to blame... Is that the question you have just been thinking? Of course it's not your fault only, the dynamics of any relationship make people change and shape their ways constantly, but is looking for the one to blame a way to solve anything? It may just be an extension of what you have been doing. The moment you decide that your partner is 51% responsible and you 'only' 49%, will you feel victorious again and absolved from any of the blame? It's easy to tip the scale to your benefit if the only thing you need is an excuse to go on using your offense tactics. Who doesn't like some peace of mind, even if based on very shaky foundations indeed...

Who am I?

Of course I knew that. It's not like I'm living my life without a deeper thought crossing my mind. I have thought about myself and why I do the things I do and why I do them the way I do and how I perceive the world and people around me... What did happen this past Monday, though, was that my perspective changed. As if I turned 180 degrees and got a different view at things. Or something like this. I realized a very basic thing - something that most people know, at least to some extent, but maybe not so many of us actually use this knowledge so much. The fact that what I, me, myself think/feel/believe may not necessarily be: 1. universal 2. true 3. effective - the list could go on. I'm not speaking here about simple things - like a situation when somebody insists that you cannot possibly hate this color/cake/dress/house/fill-in-the-space because this is so beautiful/delicious/elegant/etc... (although it is surprising how many of these simple ones one has to hear in one's lifetime!) I'm talking here about a very big picture, about how we perceive the world and people around us from our very specific point of view without often realizing how much we add to everything, how many preconceived notions we bring to everything.

It's not inherently bad, this is how we cope with the complexity of life we need to face every day - we build on our experiences, learn from our actions and their outcomes, draw conclusions, we construct a truly amazing, intricate structure that helps us analyze, understand, and deal with many completely new situations that life often brings. The hidden problem may be that some of it happens subconsciously, we just add little pieces and bits here and there and may not keep track of every connection, every little question and answer, observation and conclusion, problem and solution. After a while we may lose any sense of where all this has come from, what the pieces are. Even worse, you start to treat your structure as a constant, not a variable. I guess we wouldn't be able to live without forming some kind of stability in our perceptions. The thing we have built becomes a force that drives our life more than we would ever imagine. How can one possibly step out of all this baggage of experiences and thoughts and judgments... many of which are often so imprecise and subjective. After a while we start thinking this is how the world works - this must be it, we have confirmed it so many times, we have observed and touched and smelled and burned our fingers - we KNOW, we just KNOW that this or that is normal, whatever that can mean.

Now, as I said, I knew that. I knew that I was always, for as long as I remember, thinking or feeling that nobody could possibly be interested in me just for me, without wanting something from me, without some kind of exchange. I think I have tried very hard to make myself more, in many different ways, believing that just simple plain me would not be enough to interest anyone. After all, you want value for your money. So I have tried to be prettier, smarter, more creative, more sophisticated than I felt I truly was. The fact that I see how this has been happening does not change the fact that I still have the structure deeply embedded in my soul. I cannot see how I could ever change something that has become as natural for me as breathing. I don't know how to see things differently. I don't know if I can reach deep enough to find just me, without all these things I've added. How much are they 'me' now? What if I don't like them? Is there a core part of a person at all? What if I wouldn't like it if I found it? I think I have always tried to make myself more likable and acceptable and interesting not only to other people but also to myself. It seems that I have never liked myself too much.

Decisions, decisions...

It's amazing how I am able to make certain decisions in my life - big and small - and somehow not feel totally in control of what I decided to do. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I find it quite hard to accept I made a wrong decision. I hate the "should have" or "shouldn't have" problem so I try very hard to prevent a situation when you are forced to say the hateful "should" thing. I deliberate and think and talk to myself and do a lot of hard mental work in order to foresee each and every facet and all the possible outcomes of my upcoming decision. Everyone older than 6 or 7 knows this is quite often not feasible, even in some simple decisions there are threats and dangers lurking in the shadows. I won't even mention the big, life-changing, crucial-for-your-future decisions. These give me some big time willies, to say the least. I cannot understand how I have ever been able to make any of these. Some of them turned out very positive, some rather devastating.

I know a few people who are much more capable than I am in facing the "should." They simply never say it (or almost never) even if all the circumstances indicate that the classic "should" situation has arisen! They know the "should (not)" will just make you feel more wretched and what would be the point? But I just cannot stop the "should" from popping out every time it gets a chance! I must say I have learnt to control the thing a little - I try not to sound it loud and clear too often but it does reverberate in my mind instead anyway, or maybe even more when I prevent it from getting out and about...

Now I'm starting to feel a bit nervous as I just remembered one or two decisions that are waiting to be taken and I feel I just cannot, simply cannot, get it right. Something, some part of it will surely go wrong. And this is how I don't usually let myself be fully content with lots of things. Always something that could have been improved if only...