An issue of being (in)significant

I'm thinking. Is everybody in this world screwed up in some way? If most of us are, then how do we know what the 'normal' state is? Most people would probably say at this point that it depends on a person - a very convenient way to get out of giving a real answer. But is there any truth behind this typically given answer? Are we really so special that there is no state of being normal - mentally and emotionally healthy - that would fit all? A lot of us, growing up in more or less Western culture, have felt the need to be an individual, somebody special and unique, at least a couple of times during our lives. It is amazing that we strive to maintain this individualism thing while we are so insignificant, most of us at least. We create the 'higher purpose' notions, the 'every life is valuable', and such to make us feel that our little life that has so far brought nothing into this world, actually does make sense. Of course, from our standpoint the pain we feel is more acute than the one felt by somebody next to us. We just cannot help feeling it. Even if we know somebody is suffering much more than we are it will hardly ever help elevate our pain. Although I do know a few people who instantly feel better when they find somebody whose situation is worse than theirs... But that's not exactly what I'm trying to talk about. What I'm saying is that so often we forget we are not a center of anything, not to mention of a universe. Our brief moment here on Earth will pass as millions others have and we should consider ourselves lucky if we don't cause any major damage. I cannot believe how worked up we sometimes get about our little things, our little miseries, victories, failures... It could be easier to accept that there is no higher purpose, no goal you are supposed to reach, no particular destiny you should fulfill.

I feel that my life has very little purpose and I don't think I have been able to accept it. I will not write a book that will move millions, I will not compose music that will be played for generations to come, I will not leave anything behind that would be worth while. I can only make very little scratches here and there. I am bringing up two human beings who will probably have their own share of being screwed up and I can do nothing about it, as much as I would want to, as I myself am not particularly healthy in my mind and in my soul. My greatest contribution to this world, my children. And even that I have no real power over. Not only can one say it is not a big deal to reproduce but also that we have a very narrow window of making a difference in their lives anyway. Is it wrong of me then to draw the biggest sense of purpose and strength and happiness in my life from them? It probably is. What will be left when they go their own ways?

My desire to be perfect and do only good and make a huge difference is hardly humble. I don't understand where I have gotten these ideas from. I would hardly say I possess any delusions of grandeur. I guess it must be my own personal way of making sure that I will never feel too good about myself because that would be too close to being proud. Once you adopt such high standards of greatness you are sure you won't get there so you are safe - no chance you're going to be proud. It is true - my life is full of circles, I seem to use these circular paths a lot in my life. The more I think about this the more I feel this is a pointless waste of time. I won't be able to change anything. I don't even know myself. What am I trying to do? I really want to understand who I really am and what makes me do what I do and feel what I feel and how I can finally find some peace in my whole life, a little bit of peace when I feel safe and not uncertain, satisfied and not numb, calm and not anxious. I cannot find a way to disconnect this whole thing from other people - to just reach somewhere into me and find these things. I believe that if I managed to do that I could become a better person. Somebody I have always wanted to be. I wish I could teach my children to be such people - calm, good, sincere, considerate, loving, and so no, and so on. How can I teach them when I am so not even close to all this? I'm afraid of letting my children down, of not giving them what they need to grow up to be better than me.