Tactics

It seems that focusing on somebody else's faults and mistakes is a very widespread technique employed usually when we need or just want to present ourselves as fault-free. A defense is not a particularly appealing method of surviving an attack. An offense, or a counterattack, sounds like a much better idea. Not only can we win the fight but also make everybody forget the original reason behind it. It is particularly useful if we were primarily responsible for the fight in the first place. Having emerged victorious we may feel pure and righteous as it is a well known fact that it's the good guys that win.

A major drawback of depending on this technique too often is that it may take over your life and you will be doing it on a smaller scale but on everyday basis. You will be doing it to win a fight, get an upper hand in any domestic argument, excuse your own not-so-perfect actions to everybody (including, and maybe even most importantly, to yourself) - it will simply become a feel-good-about-yourself necessity. It will fell so good you will forget that you do make mistakes too and may not be always right. The outside reality you have created may become very powerful although you often do not realize you are implementing the whole machine more and more often in your life. You may just be doing what works, without giving it a lot of thought.

It is quite difficult to maintain a positive self-esteem when faced with our numerous imperfections. It may be even more difficult when you tend to be very particular about things, when you like things nice and neat. It's a shame though, if we need to build our own confidence at somebody else's expense. And this, unfortunately, proves much easier than making true changes in ourselves. Of course the easy way is not foolproof - we must realize that whatever we achieved, esteem-wise, in this way, is very superficial and unless we keep putting soap in our eyes and capitalizing on other people's weaknesses for ever, it will eventually become clear that our moral core, which most probably exists in most human beings, has suffered enormously in the process. Once we allow enough of the degeneration to eat at our soul, it is very difficult to reverse the process. You find yourself lost, unsure of who you are, haunted by a feeling of your smallness.

Now, have you become simply obnoxious along the way? Has your spouse adopted the same strategy to deal with you, even if for different reasons? Who is to blame... Is that the question you have just been thinking? Of course it's not your fault only, the dynamics of any relationship make people change and shape their ways constantly, but is looking for the one to blame a way to solve anything? It may just be an extension of what you have been doing. The moment you decide that your partner is 51% responsible and you 'only' 49%, will you feel victorious again and absolved from any of the blame? It's easy to tip the scale to your benefit if the only thing you need is an excuse to go on using your offense tactics. Who doesn't like some peace of mind, even if based on very shaky foundations indeed...