Undone

I can feel you
I can see you
I know what you are
I know what you do
You
I think you are getting away
I think I'm losing you
I don't know life without you
And you are already standing in the doorway
Ready to leave
You will not even look back
Why look at the grief
Why see the despair
Why relive the words
That never ever should have been said
Your dead eyes
Keep following me
Keep haunting me
Cannot sleep
Cannot breathe
Cannot live
I don't remember how a good night sleep feels like
My eyes burning, dry
My body carried through space and time
Somehow I'm moving
Somehow I'm speaking
Somehow I'm not crying
Impossibly alone
Trembling
Stupid
Weak
Heavy as lead
My hands are
Heavy as lead
My eyes are
Overflowing
With uncried tears
Untold grieves
Unshouted cries
Unlived pleasures
Undone
Unsaid
I have imagined dancing
I have imagined singing
I have nothing
I have nowhere
To go
This is where I'll stay then
Not wanted
Not loved
But...
Why can't you brush my hair away
Gently
Why can't you look straight in my eyes
Sweetly
And take my face in your hands
Softly
And pull me toward you
Slowly
And make me forget
About the time and place
Let me float
For just this minute...
Let me...

When?

When will you stop hurting me with your words?
When?
Speaking to me, looking at me like that...
When will you talk to me and not think these ugly thoughts?
When?
As if I were your worse enemy...
When will we able to spend time together.
Free of bad memories.
Free of fear.
Free of suspicion.
Free of attacks.
Free of bitterness.
Just.... us.
When.... ?
No expectations, no.
Why should it be better, ever?
But the longing remains.
It remains.
It hurts.

These suggestions, these vile pieces of something that must be going on in your head, you throw them at me and watch me. Watch how I react. Some twisted, passive-aggressive way to try me. Always trying me. You will always find something to feed on. Obsession. It's eating away at your soul. It will consume you. You will destroy yourself and us.

I'm somewhere in the air. Losing myself. Twisting. Turning. No balance. No top, no bottom. Silence full of noises. Frozen. Motionless. Eyes burning. Insides crying, sobbing, shouting! No! No ground. Empty space full of swirling mess. Tied.

Sometimes... I just want to... let go...

People

I feel crowded. I don't know. It's strange because I felt lonely not so long ago... It's just there are days when the number of words I speak to so many different people leaves me empty. Maybe I'm not saying the right words. Maybe I'm not myself when speaking to all these people. Maybe it's just too exhausting to articulate all these words in English... yes, maybe it's just this physical/articulatory/gestural exhaustion when you go from not saying almost anything one day and then speaking with ten different people on ten different topics and ten different levels of conversation, all of it in only a few hours... I hear all these words buzzing around my head, I hear my words and I hear all these people's voices, I see their faces, their grimaces, their gestures... And I need to go and speak to still another person today when I feel like simply being alone today. Making these noises go away.

I went. I came back. More words. But these were better words. She made me feel more human again... though she does not know so much about me. Is this feeling real? Do you need to know a lot about somebody to have a meaningful conversation? I guess not. Depends on what topic. Depends what you consider to be a meaningful conversation. All these words are weighting me down now.

Another day, another group of people to talk to. A totally different topic/setting/people. I can do it. I mean I can do it with flying colors. Go there and talk to them as if I cared about what they have to say. As if there was nothing else in my life - just them, just their issues they feel obligated to relate to me, some good, some maybe less good, I don't know, I don't care. I'll go there and smile and be nice and make them feel comfortable and happy talking to this nice thoughtful woman (me). Or not. Maybe I should be a cold bitch instead. Show them how little power they have over me. Be arrogant. Be over-confident. Demanding. Yes. I could do that. But I will not. Only for the sake of my loved one involved. Only for his sake I will not be a bitch today.