People

I feel crowded. I don't know. It's strange because I felt lonely not so long ago... It's just there are days when the number of words I speak to so many different people leaves me empty. Maybe I'm not saying the right words. Maybe I'm not myself when speaking to all these people. Maybe it's just too exhausting to articulate all these words in English... yes, maybe it's just this physical/articulatory/gestural exhaustion when you go from not saying almost anything one day and then speaking with ten different people on ten different topics and ten different levels of conversation, all of it in only a few hours... I hear all these words buzzing around my head, I hear my words and I hear all these people's voices, I see their faces, their grimaces, their gestures... And I need to go and speak to still another person today when I feel like simply being alone today. Making these noises go away.

I went. I came back. More words. But these were better words. She made me feel more human again... though she does not know so much about me. Is this feeling real? Do you need to know a lot about somebody to have a meaningful conversation? I guess not. Depends on what topic. Depends what you consider to be a meaningful conversation. All these words are weighting me down now.

Another day, another group of people to talk to. A totally different topic/setting/people. I can do it. I mean I can do it with flying colors. Go there and talk to them as if I cared about what they have to say. As if there was nothing else in my life - just them, just their issues they feel obligated to relate to me, some good, some maybe less good, I don't know, I don't care. I'll go there and smile and be nice and make them feel comfortable and happy talking to this nice thoughtful woman (me). Or not. Maybe I should be a cold bitch instead. Show them how little power they have over me. Be arrogant. Be over-confident. Demanding. Yes. I could do that. But I will not. Only for the sake of my loved one involved. Only for his sake I will not be a bitch today.