C-word

After months spent at my desk, with nowhere to look but at my computer, enclosed within four tight walls and no view out my foil-lined window, I find it hard to work when I actually have a view to look at. It's raining now, the air is fresh and the green outside looks more green than it has any right to do... Or maybe I forgot how intense colors may be. I changed the location but my computer followed. Oh, yes, I brought it along, of course. We've become very close over the years, closer than a person should ever get to a thing...
I would gladly go outside now and let a hundred raindrops roll down my face. Some part of me is craving this cold and wet sensory experience. But I'm too lazy, too afraid, too busy with everything, whatever that everything may be. I have mastered the art of shielding myself from all kinds of experiences for the sake of control. It was never my conscious choice. It just somehow developed without me trying hard or even ever thinking about adopting that way of life.  It was only much later that I learned the loses are great when you do that and the control does you more damage than good. I also learned that once you start, it gets such a good grip on you, it won't let go. It feels as if it wasn't me anymore, it has a life of its own. So what is there to do if you did not truly make this choice and then you cannot change its consequences? I just realized how ironic that is. I would like to stop my tendency to control everything, I would like to break free of my shackles, I would like to start feeling with my whole being, but I feel utterly powerless and clueless as to how to do that. I guess I should be happy it took over only some areas of my life, ruined just a few things for me. I can still control the rest, right?

Forlornness

I'm just so incredibly sad. I cannot shake if off... It's funny that I could be feeling angry, upset, hurt, totally infuriated... But no, I feel sad. Sad. Sad. And tired. Very tired.
I could get into that power-struggle game but I know this would just lead to more hurt, nobody wins in power-struggles... Everyone is a loser. It does not solve anything, it just aggravates any problems that already exist and creates new ones.
So I was shown my place. I was shown how little I mean. How easily I can be punished on a whim. It is curious, again, how it did not make me feel weak but only sad. And frustrated. Should I change my life because of that? Should I expect more of this? I have always suspected that the line about equal rights is, well, only a line. Cold hard cash is what gives you power and control. You don't bring it, you are not to make any decisions. All the things you are doing would cost money but as you are doing them, nobody cares - you are not earning, you may just be saving -  and that just does not cut it. The fact that I have given so many years... does not count. I cannot do things like these that were done to me. Although I have to tolerate this now never-ending, incredulous money-wasting, down the drain and up the air, every day. Money wasting that may have dire consequences, which may lead to broken health and broken lives. Far more than what I have ever wasted. But I don't have any power to do anything about that. I can just look. I am expected not to say much about it. It is not my business. I'm not PAYING for this. I cannot make a few phone calls to help get over my sadness and my frustration. I don't hold the power. As I always said, I own nothing, I am nothing. I'm just floating here and there and there is no place I belong. No place I can call mine. It's been shown to me. Loud and clear. It filled my heart with so much sadness I cannot describe it. I cannot lift this weight that seems to have crushed me and pinned me down to the ground. So I will just have to deal with it. Somehow I will have to find a way to deal with it and go on. If I still want to have a life. Some life. I don't plan ahead anymore. There is always something waiting for you to make your plans never come true. You cannot prepare yourself for everything. Planning seems so futile. I've been there before so I may just as well go back to living only day by day, one day at a time.
I just wish I could stop feeling so sad. I would prefer to feel angry. It's equally exhausting but does not make you feel like slowly dying inside.