So what next?

Well, you could say that my breakdown was just a waste of time and energy. You could say that, certainly. But maybe just for once in a while I will try to see some good in all this? I did manage to see a few things more clearly thanks to my, let's call it 'ordeal' of thinking that I might have skin cancer. Maybe that was the purpose of the whole experience, if, of course, one believes in higher purposes in things and maybe one wants to believe...

The thing that had such an impact on me in my therapy session last Thursday was discovering how I take all the joy away from my life, of every possible aspect of it, because of my unexplainable (so far) tendency to see everything in black. I don't fully understand how and why I do it and as I realized that this was so hard for me to grasp I felt hopeless - how can you fight with something you don't understand, whose roots you cannot see, something that probably started years ago and just attracted like magnet all kinds of more or less real suffering, problems, hurt... things that made this sick mind of mine even worse and worse. I realized that each and every day I spend like that is not fully lived. I waste so much time in my life worrying about things that may never happen that I don't see the good parts anymore, I don't have time and energy and hope left to deal with things that need improving. How sure can we be how much time we have? You don't need a life-threatening disease to end your life. A car will do. You may even drown in your own bathtub. It does not matter how you die - once you do, there is no going back and although you may not care then (or you might, that's another discussion) it is pretty easy to imagine you would want to fix a thing or two if you knew that your life will not be particularly long. Now, I think that was the main reason for my breakdown, I panicked when I realized that I had no clue how to fix this thing or two and well, I do NOT have all the time in the world to find out.

Will it be enough to figure out this? Is it even the right question? Is it really the problem of me choosing suffering over happiness, worrying over joy, that has made it so difficult for me and for my relationships? Would everything look different if I was different? What if this way of being has become the very core of 'me'? Can you change the very core of yourself and still know who you are? Not that I would miss that part of me, once I stop to think about it... Is this feeling of low self-confidence and craving for outside appreciation (something present in my life for as long as I remember) the result of a failure to become a true self? I feel I don't know myself. And I don't really like this person I don't know. But I don't know anybody else... Is that a conundrum or what?!

A day that did not go as planned.

I want to make several major changes to myself. It seems that can be the most ambitious of my projects ever. I don't know how I'm going to do that but I really really need to find a way. If I don't it's not going to be a happy end to anything, I'm going to have too many regrets to even die in peace.

I had a major breakdown today. Although I'm not a stranger to breakdowns and generally feeling miserable for bigger or smaller reasons, this one was different. It was different because it was totally owned by me, caused by me, generally all about me. Would sound almost egocentric if it was not about a negative thing (but maybe it still can be egocentric even if it is negatively egocentric?). I think it was worse than the ones that my husband caused because then I could suffer and still feel a bit disconnected from the source of suffering (obviously, I must know a thing or two about suffering or disconnection, or at least it sounds like it). But this time the suffering was all mine, inside and out. You cannot run, you cannot hide. The last days have slowly built up the pressure and although I was bravely fending all the feelings off desperately trying to stay calm, I could tell yesterday night I getting close to losing it. I had to go to a meeting with my psychologist in the morning and although I felt like staying put today I decided to face the day and do everything what I was supposed to do. After all, that's what I do most of the time. I get up and do what I need to do and maybe even more sometimes. There are days when I do it with ease, there are days when I force myself to do every little thing. But I still do it.

But my day really ended right there at the psychologist's office. I mean, how can you manage to fend feelings off when you are talking about them?! I know that's a point but it did a lot of damage to me today. My mind is so messed up right now that it's pretty amazing I'm actually writing this and maybe even in a coherent way (difficult to judge that when you have your brain all numb). Anyway, I cannot continue because I took sleeping pills a while ago and I'm hoping they will make it possible to close my eyes and just stop thinking for a while. I'm going to think some more tomorrow. Possibly without a new breakdown. It is just too exhausting. And I have so many things to do tomorrow. So many.