So what next?

Well, you could say that my breakdown was just a waste of time and energy. You could say that, certainly. But maybe just for once in a while I will try to see some good in all this? I did manage to see a few things more clearly thanks to my, let's call it 'ordeal' of thinking that I might have skin cancer. Maybe that was the purpose of the whole experience, if, of course, one believes in higher purposes in things and maybe one wants to believe...

The thing that had such an impact on me in my therapy session last Thursday was discovering how I take all the joy away from my life, of every possible aspect of it, because of my unexplainable (so far) tendency to see everything in black. I don't fully understand how and why I do it and as I realized that this was so hard for me to grasp I felt hopeless - how can you fight with something you don't understand, whose roots you cannot see, something that probably started years ago and just attracted like magnet all kinds of more or less real suffering, problems, hurt... things that made this sick mind of mine even worse and worse. I realized that each and every day I spend like that is not fully lived. I waste so much time in my life worrying about things that may never happen that I don't see the good parts anymore, I don't have time and energy and hope left to deal with things that need improving. How sure can we be how much time we have? You don't need a life-threatening disease to end your life. A car will do. You may even drown in your own bathtub. It does not matter how you die - once you do, there is no going back and although you may not care then (or you might, that's another discussion) it is pretty easy to imagine you would want to fix a thing or two if you knew that your life will not be particularly long. Now, I think that was the main reason for my breakdown, I panicked when I realized that I had no clue how to fix this thing or two and well, I do NOT have all the time in the world to find out.

Will it be enough to figure out this? Is it even the right question? Is it really the problem of me choosing suffering over happiness, worrying over joy, that has made it so difficult for me and for my relationships? Would everything look different if I was different? What if this way of being has become the very core of 'me'? Can you change the very core of yourself and still know who you are? Not that I would miss that part of me, once I stop to think about it... Is this feeling of low self-confidence and craving for outside appreciation (something present in my life for as long as I remember) the result of a failure to become a true self? I feel I don't know myself. And I don't really like this person I don't know. But I don't know anybody else... Is that a conundrum or what?!