Although having a family does not make it easier to cope with the fear that everything will go a-wastin' and there won't be another chance like that, this is not necessarily closely intertwined. Maybe it does magnify the problem to a certain degree but it seems that not having children to take care of does not make it much easier to safeguard yourself against the pitfalls of papers and research and journals and conferences, and so many other academic traps. You obviously have more time and opportunities, more chances to finish before you are outrun but being single or childless does not guarantee a success. If you are free of additional responsibilities you may have to deal with a different type of a problem - how do you explain why you still cannot make it? How do you excuse your lack of achievements, results, or even ideas? Pure despair.
What we all share is the lack of perspectives. We cannot compete with the few but noteworthy high achievers who breathe their work and will always be faster and more effective. Who are we kidding? We are not contributing to the field. We are just playing in there. We are doing our little part from time to time, at the very best. There is a position for a linguist open at my dear old Queens College. A hundred and forty applications have come and many of them stronger than I will ever even come close to dreaming of being able to put together when I get to the point of looking for a job. I think I should get my license to teach ESL as soon as I can and start some decent work. I really think more and more often about that. Sounds more and more reasonable. I hesitate only because if I did this there would be no coming back and I would have to deal with the fact that there is nothing else to strive for, nothing else to do, change, achieve, or find out... just everyday life. I know there is enough in everyday life to fill my time, there are so many things to do! But would I be able to fill my mind as well? How would I feel? What if I felt relieved? What if I felt trapped? How can I possibly know? Why do I have to have this feeling that I cannot lead my life empty of some higher level struggle? That it would make me feel as if I was wasting my life. Why do I have this impression that there is something do to, more important, something to create, something to leave, or I could just as well be dead? Why a decent money earning job, free time to read some novel, watch a movie, take care of your family, get some rest - why all this does not seem like enough? I mean, I'm really not special at all - extraordinarily smart or talented, clearly predisposed for some particular calling, things like that... There is not even one logical reason why I should feel that I need or can do something extra. I would really like to learn to take pleasure in little things and find my place in the world, a place that I would create for myself, not based on what other people say defines success and happiness. Custom made place, not generic. Sometimes I feel that I'm chasing some dream that is not really mine. Some idea of what is important. It's so upsetting that I still haven't figured out myself. Will I ever know exactly what I need and want and what would make me a better person? The only stable thing in my life is my family. This is something I don't need to question. My love for them is something that I feel with the whole me. The very thought of them getting hurt overshadows everything. I know that one thing, one thing that I am perfectly sure of - if I lost them everything else would not be worth anything, would be so unimportant... Why then lose your sleep and sanity over things like that? There are things that are dispensable and some that can never be replaced. It's not hard to realize that but it does appear pretty hard to actually act on that knowledge - adjust the time and effort that you devote to caring for/about something according to the 'replaceability principle'. The principle that ranks the importance of the content of a person's life. I should make it my life principle. My very own RP.
