Trip

This is probably the last post I'm writing in New York. I won't have much time over the next two days to do anything except packing and everything that goes with it, like realising I don't have something I really need and rushing to get it. It seems I will be left to deal with all that alone if I don't enlist my friend to help... Atmosphere around very heavy, very difficult to ignore, very exhausting, very everything... as usually in the days before I leave for Poland. It's kind of our tradition now. I wonder... never mind.
I always think that my plane may crash and how everything would end so fast. Big dreams, small joys, tiny nervous breakdowns, overblown emotions, and all these little, trivial problems. But trivial only when you look at them from death's perspective, whatever that can actually be... Nothing's trivial when you're stuck right in the middle of it. And you're tired, and insecure, and rather pessimistic by nature. The only thing I can do is just to walk on, and on, and on. Slower or faster, with ease or with difficulty, but forward. And I know I have a lot more mistakes to make ahead of me, this seems to be my life - a very bumpy road to perfection. Hopefully, I will get there eventually. But because I'm not even close, I do hope my plane gets me safe to Poland and back. I have so much to come back to, more than ever before. I need a long, quiet, relaxing, uneventful vacation. I'll just make an exception for one week in August. A healthy dose of fun in appropriate company has never hurt anybody, right?

U2 - Beautiful Day

At your request, my dear friend. Thank you for a beautiful evening.
"What you don't know, you can feel somehow..."

Demons

I know posting songs and their lyrics is not exactly what blog should be about... or is it? Maybe it's just making it easy on myself. Why write about things that are difficult or impossible to write about if you can do almost the same with a song? Not to mention that with a song you don't really need to worry about somebody getting your meaning wrong - you can always say that well, it was just a song...

The truth is that every day I listen to several songs and tend to stick with the one that best reflects my thoughts, feelings, or my mood that day. Sometimes it is the song that shapes the way I feel. Makes my emotions stronger, forces me to think about something I have carefully avoided, depresses me or energizes me. Next I kill it. I listen to it so many times that it stops meaning anything or starts to mean something different. I like coming back to my blog to listen to these songs. I can remember what I was thinking at that time much better this way than just reading my posts. My posts never express exactly what I would like them to.

Yesterday if I were to post anything it would have been "Beautiful Day" by U2. I loved its contradictions and a surreal feel (maybe only for me?), against everything.



"The traffic is stuck

And you're not moving anywhere."


"Touch me

Take me to that other place

Teach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case."

"You're on the road

but you've got no destination."

I have a destination. So many of them. I just need to reach them. Some say I will but do I believe them? Do I believe in myself? How can I believe "everything will be OK" if I can do so little about most of these matters? And yes...

I see only when in pain

I feel only when hurting

I'm alive only when in agony

Learning the hard way

That my skin feels too much

My body

Hardly ever without bruises

My mind

Killing me with endless pictures

Played repeatedly

Until I am left

Shapeless

Somebody wise once told me that most, if not all people have their own personal demons. You may be aware you have it or be totally oblivious to its presence. You may welcome it, take care of it, help it grow in strength... both consciously or again, unknowingly. It has its way to make you want it to take over bigger and bigger part of your life. It will help you succeed in whatever you choose to do, letting you think you must be doing something good if everything goes so smoothly. You will think you're meeting your destiny. You will follow this path of success, carefully designed and paved for you, and hardly realize how much damage you are doing along the way. You will be led very gently until you've done your share of evil. When not useful anymore you'll be plunged into the depth of failure to make you the most miserable and hateful person on earth... A product of your weakness and self-indulgence.

But there are different roads as well. You can fight it. You can get rid of it and make your inside nice and clean. The dirt swept out. Decorated with flowers. Filled with beautiful fragrances. And then you relax, you get comfortable and lazy. After all, you've done a hell of a job, haven't you? How could you have known that your demon never left your side, that it had been sticking around close enough to watch... It knows you. It knows you better than you want to know yourself. You wouldn't be able to stand knowing yourself this way - wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you saw everything... So it will just lay low and wait for you to leave your door or window open, even just a little tiny bit, and fall asleep. It will be back inside sooner than you would ever think possible. And it will bring friends. Nobody wants to live alone, even a demon. It so much fun to play this game with some company around. Especially in such a pretty place you made for them!

Is there anybody in this world that manages to keep one's windows and doors shut tightly at all times?

Easier to run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There'd never be a past

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

(It's easier to run)
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
(It's easier to go)
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Summer rain

First day of summer. I got caught in the rain. Each drop was so big and heavy that I could feel them hitting me, soaking through my clothes, and making my body wet. Hundreds of drops. Surprisingly forceful, almost painful in their coldness against my warm skin. Waking me up. Pouring down my face, replacing tears. Refreshing. Cleansing. I was walking as if in slow motion among all the people rushing, hurrying, running to hide from the rain. The sensation on the border of pain and pleasure. Bringing awareness... but washing it away. And then, as suddenly as the rain started, the sun appeared. Yes, everything does look different flooded with bright light. Sometimes more beautiful, sometimes... ugly and dirty. Does light bring the true image out? Or does it sharpen it out of proportions? Bright sun always hurts my eyes. I prefer staying in the shadow. So I'll be rushing and running, escaping the sun. And walking slowly in the rain. A little longer.

Old song that I can understand now.

Just a few lines from the video "One" I posted earlier. These come from the movie used in the video. I'd like to see the movie. Or maybe better not...

"It is impossible for this celebrated individual to experience pain, pleasure, memory, dreams, or thoughts of any kind. This young man will be as unfeeling, as unthinking as the dead until the day he joins them."

"I don't know whether I'm alive and dreaming or dead and remembering."

"How can you tell what's a dream and what's real when you can't even tell if you're awake or you're asleep."

"Where am I?"

"Oh, God, please let them hear me. They won't listen. they won't hear me. Hear me!"

"It's like a piece of me that keeps on living..."

"It won't always be like this, will it?"

"I can't live like this! Please wake me!"

"Oh, God, let them hear me."

"Kill me, I'm asking you to kill me."

"Inside me I'm screaming. Nobody pays any attention. If I had arms I could kill myself. If I had legs I could run away. If I had a voice I could talk and be some kind of company for myself. I could yell for help... but nobody helped me."

"I don't see how I can go on like this"

"SOS, help me, SOS, help me..."

I found it so incredibly powerful and captivating, and so extremely unsettling. I kept coming back to this video again and again. Imagine trying this for yourself. Lie down in a totally dark room, your arms and legs tied up so tight that you cannot move them at all, your mouth silenced with tape. It may take longer for some people, shorter for others but soon enough you'll be going insane, screaming: "Kill me!" over and over again. I guess some people get a feeling like this even without being deprived of the freedom of movement and voice. But can these two be really compared? How much can we imprison ourselves or let other people or situations imprison us without any physical limits in place? Or maybe the limits are there, different, less tangible, but equally compelling, threatening, never to be escaped from...

Metallica - One

One lyrics

I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or a dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops in me

Now that the war is through with me I'm waking up, I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty. Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing Taken my arms Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

Losing it?

I feel I could write today. I'm sure I would write a lot if I only started. But as I'm not really starting I doubt I will create anything worth reading today. I'm just freewriting, whatever comes to my mind I'm putting down, with some filtering of course, so that I don't get locked up in a mental institution.
I had a strange conversation today, not so long ago, that made me realize yet again, how difficult it is to escape from your actions - however long ago they happened. It's as if what you do is written in stone, never to be erased, always to come back to haunt you, always tinting your presence, your life, always destroying the moments that could otherwise be the most carefree times of your life, always making everything you do later have somewhat negative connotations. It imprisons you, changes the way you are, the way you think, the way you act, the way you enjoy or dislike... It puts limits on what you are allowed to feel or how happy you can be. It's pretty obvious that the actions I'm talking about are not good deeds. Good deeds... wouldn't it be marvelous to have more of those on one's record? How would it feel? Well, how would I know, right?
I feel we talk too little. But talking is not as easy as it seems. It often starts innocently, some laughter, light topics, you'd think you are having a nice relaxing conversation. A minute later you are on dangerous grounds that can only bring pain, anger, and further detachment. Welcome to the hell's gate, baby!
The sadative is kicking in. Need to go now. Not making much sense here anyway. No loss.

My attempt at positivity

My friend told me that my last poem was very depressing. I never mean to depress anybody with my writing - that's hardly a thing to desire! I just want to arouse some feelings, create a moment when words transform readers' mood, make them aware of a fleeting emotion, an image, a scent... Unfortunately, I usually write about feelings and experiences that can hardly be called pleasant so why would I want anybody to share that with me?! Why does writing about such things come naturally to me and I cannot create even one fully joyous post or poem, for example glorifying some fulfilling part of my life? Or maybe I have, I hope I have done something like that, I have to go back and check! My friend also told me that nobody would even dare to comment on such a poem. I think I can see why. There may be several reasons but one of them can be that if the poem sucks, nobody wants to say anything in case I truly feel depressed and that would put me over the edge. Or they liked the poem and now they feel too depressed to write.
I'll try to be as positive as possible for the rest of this post. There is only one more thing I wanted to write about today so hopefully I'll manage to keep it cheerful.
I think I'm finally acclimatizing. I have been an immigrant for eight years and when I happened to spend some time with Americans I always felt to be an outsider, an observer, an oddball. Always having a feeling I see the world differently made me afraid to open up to people. I did not want them to see how strange I was. For some reason I stopped worrying about that. College helped but that was not enough. I think I owe this to a few people here who made me feel they not only accept me the way I am but also like these little things that I do or say or write differently. I feel as if a new world unfolds for me right before my eyes. It is still new for me and said with some hesitation but I feel I can make my life work here - for so long I did not believe that I would ever hear myself saying that. I can make it work in ways very different from how it would most probably look in Poland, and this is the most exciting part!
That's not to say that in Poland my life would be worse - I think I would be able to make it quite good too. But it seems it would be much more predictable and familiar and yes, a little more limited in opportunities. I like challenges - it keeps me interested, active, involved. I get bored quite easily... That is probably why I prefer reading and writing in English. I always learn something new, not only about content but also about form. I love coming across a new word, or an old one but used in an unusual way, a phrase that makes me stop and savor the way it sounds and makes me feel. I love searching for the best way to say something in my writing, even if that means spending much more time writing the same number of words than any of my American friends would. I love learning that what I write not only makes sense but also makes people think and feel. I guess everybody needs some assurance, right? Who likes disappointments... Ok, time to finish, I feel I'm crossing to the dark side again!

Running

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
In the darkness of my mind
I let myself down again

I speak in the language of hurt
When searching for perfection
Disappointment is what I find
I speak in the language of the past

Caught up in between
Trying to be someone else
Caught up in between
Trying to be truly me

I run
Until I cannot breathe
Until I cannot feel
I run

Let me pick up the pieces
Before I break more
Keep the best of me safe
Before I break more

Chemical reaction

I keep finding these songs from long ago and for a few moments I get to feel what I felt back then. It seems to be a very effective way to remember not just events but, much more importantly, emotions - the essence of your being when you are a teenager... Some of these songs just make me laugh, some make me dance, some make me feel nostalgic, some make me cry. And I ask myself, how much have I changed? Am I still able to feel the way I did 15 years ago? Or is it something you can feel only when your brain is still in a mess (not that it's not now, but in a bit different way, I guess), your hormones rage, and all these great emotional outbursts are just outward signs of chemical imbalance of some kind?

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart"
"Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark"

How can something like this not make you sad? But, of course, a song is just a song. Its very purpose is to make you feel a certain way. If you feel like being melancholic, listen to the one I posted a moment ago - unless you are a person of a far from romantic disposition and something like this song will just put you to sleep... It's probably a much better idea to get a good night's sleep than to lose your touch with reality anyway. Sweet dreams.

Total Eclipse of The Heart

LinkinPark - Numb

My first LP love. This is a song that entered my life a long while ago and has continued to express a lot for me (and often different things at different times) ever since. I was thinking about it when writing my last post.

Asleep

I need to get myself out of this. I welcome any wise suggestions that anybody might have. Now, what the "this" is. It's how I have felt for some time now. To illustrate with just a few examples: I'm not doing anything that I'm supposed to, the things that I really have to do I hardly manage to complete, I'm wandering aimlessly around the house thinking of ways how to get out of here but I find it difficult even to get dressed earlier than noon, every night I realise how much I haven't done and I panic, I go to bed and cannot sleep. I would love to stop thinking but finding bliss in ignorance has never been my strong side. I have to think, know, be painfully aware... I never let go... I can literally feel time seeping through my fingers like sand, disappearing into an endless sea of the past, never to be recovered. Every wave takes some away from me.
Today I went to the basement to do some organizing and instead looked through my old photo albums I found there. I was looking at these moments and people captured in order to remind us of these "good old times" while they were not good old times yet but a living reality, and couldn't shake off a feeling that it is not me in these pictures, that it is somebody else. With a few exceptions, I cannot remember what I was thinking at the moment the picture was taken. I hardly remember some of the people in the photos. I am left with still images, empty behind. Maybe it's because of that emptiness or maybe because it is actually true, I had a feeling that I knew so little back then. I had no idea about how life works. My life has taken so many unexpected turns along the way, I have learnt so much about people around me and about myself, and there has been so many changes in the way I function mentally and emotionally that my life back in Poland seems now like a kid's dream. Maybe it is not exactly right what I said. Maybe I did know a lot back then. That knowledge simply stopped being relevant at some point. It did not apply to what filled my life later.
I still haven't reached any ultimate state of equilibrium, satisfaction, peace - however you want to call it, so I feel suspended between two worlds, although in reality there are no two separate worlds and no clear cut states of being. It is a continuum, a long journey, and everything that happens is written over the old files repeatedly. Nothing gets deleted. "Starting a new chapter", "turning a new leaf", and other expressions like these are just this - expressions, wishes put in words, banal statements that try to perform a real function. So maybe my old knowledge base from Poland has stayed with me; altered, twisted, adjusted, squished but still influencing everything I do. Keeping me imprisoned within the boundaries of my long-forgotten hurt, love, fear, good and bad experience not to be judged or told apart anymore.
The truth is that if you cannot learn to deal with everything you carry inside, recognize it for what it is and what it does to you, some part of you will always exist in a void - this will be the only safe place in your life otherwise full of control - lack of commitment, a state of extended denial, this little piece of you that you let be drowsy and numb. It is not as safe and as easy to maintain as it appears, though. You may feel motionless, you may feel a part of you is at a standstill, but it's an illusion. You let your guard down for a little while and slowly, you start hearing voices, seeing faces, feeling shivers under your skin - the rest of your life takes hold of the whole you. The world has been revolving all the time and has never stopped dragging you into the whirlwind. You cannot stretch any more. Senses you have tried to ignore surface to haunt you. One by one, gradually, these little sensations, visions, and feelings arouse you from your sleep. You have been changing. You either let the reality in, or become paranoid in your self-inflicted state of hibernation. The question is: have you learnt enough to be able to deal with this reality?

Graduation

For those of my oh-so-faithful readers who have asked for some photos and for all other unexpected visitors I hereby present a few snapshots of the glorious days that already belong to the past:



Without a doubt, the last several days have been the most extraordinary days in my life. The honors, awards, and all the other events around it surpassed anything I could have imagined. It felt like a dream and feels that way even more now, when it's all behind me. I managed to feel proud, surprised, confused, elated, ridiculous, overwhelmed, scared, embarrassed, and happy so many times and so intertwiningly during and in between that it is difficult now to tell one emotion from another.
But it wouldn't be me if I didn't ask myself: where does it all lead? I guess after so many blissful moments it can get only worse. I have learnt that you cannot sustain a state of happiness and success for too long. This is not a natural way of life. Savor what you can and when you can, make the best out of it, hopefully stash some away for the future use and run! Does that sound reasonable? I don't know. Most probably not. Sometimes I feel that there is a disaster lurking behind every corner of my life just waiting to jump and consume me. Now, I did not mean to write anything like it in my "Graduation" post. Sorry - especially to you, C.
Celebrating graduation can certainly be fun - I've had my share of it. A trip to the beach, eating out, getting presents, spending more time than usual with people I love and ruining their schedules because of that... yes, that's definitely fun! I hope everybody agrees here with me.
I feel I have so much on my plate now that I don't know how will I ever manage to deal with it! I'm trying to build some healthy professional relationships that should make my graduate life easier and more productive but it seems that it is not free of certain risks that I have not learnt to negotiate yet. I'll just have to improvise and learn on the go, as I usually do. I'm going to meet many new people soon, some of them may have a big impact on my studies and future career. Good first impression will not be enough. I see a lot of hard work in front of me, long meetings, long and hopefully at least sometimes interesting conferences, a lot of studying and talking, and a lot of skillful maneuvering in order to get people to give me what I need - startegies for which that I have not developed yet. Not to mention that I haven't figured out yet what I need either... And all that is just an addition to my family and the responsibilities that go with it. God, give me energy, and a mean a lot of it!