Hurt

By hurting others one so often hurts oneself... Trying to avoid more hurt is probably not such a great tactic when it leads to something nasty anyway. I do not have any more ideas. Just trying not to sink. I ran out of ideas. I don't see any roads, paths, exits. I live one minute at a time. Just this minute, and another minute, and another one. I even stopped asking myself 'why?' - there is no reason, no underlying explanation, no one source of all the evil. And even if there is, I cannot see it and certainly cannot defeat it.

It's only that... sometimes I feel that it could all be solved, almost instantly. That it is within our reach but we are blind to it... if we look, we look at wrong places, we get more and more confused, hopeless. But I get that feeling less and less often. These moments are becoming less and less intense. We are letting this slip through our fingers and we are not even fighting much to keep it. I think we'll both regret it if we lose it eventually. We do not even realize what's at stake, what the cost is... Can one estimate the cost of annihilating something that started as pure and good? Something that gave birth to two wonderful, sweet boys? If one bad day can influence many days afterwords, if a few harsh words can make you sad for days, what can children feel when their home is broken up? How can one ever repent of that? Just imagining that makes me choke with pain.

I woke up screaming a few times over the last weeks. I just screamed myself awake. I could still feel the terror, I could taste it in my mouth. I think I carry this fear in me all the time. I manage to push it back, to the very borders of my consciousness... but it gets me when I don't have the control, when I'm asleep.

Have I ever asked you for forgiveness for the pain, for the sorrow, for the loneliness? Over the years I have had a good share of that myself... I guess it's rightly so. Life has balanced the debts. There is no forgetting and forgiving in this world. Hurt burns deep. Only God Himself can heal such wounds.

All these thoughts

It's funny how things become clearer when you write them down. Thoughts just tend to run amok and are so fleeting that it's hard to make sense of them. Especially thoughts about feelings and emotions. Especially about negative emotions. It does not really help if you work hard to keep all these thoughts blocked most of the time. But they have a nasty way of coming back. It's impossible to avoid the triggers if they are basically all over your life.

I have been trying to focus on the positive. My sons, they give me so much happiness, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have them. I love being a part of their life, I love just being with them. Yes, there are moments when it's not all great and sweet but these are small problems when you have so much love to share. They make me feel loved. There is no greatest feeling. To feel loved and to know somebody needs you. I hope I will never let them down. They give me more support than they will ever realize. It's thanks to them that I do not let the sadness, the hopelessness become the very core of me. They keep the darkness away.

But I will have to let them go one day. What then?