It's funny how things become clearer when you write them down. Thoughts just tend to run amok and are so fleeting that it's hard to make sense of them. Especially thoughts about feelings and emotions. Especially about negative emotions. It does not really help if you work hard to keep all these thoughts blocked most of the time. But they have a nasty way of coming back. It's impossible to avoid the triggers if they are basically all over your life.
I have been trying to focus on the positive. My sons, they give me so much happiness, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have them. I love being a part of their life, I love just being with them. Yes, there are moments when it's not all great and sweet but these are small problems when you have so much love to share. They make me feel loved. There is no greatest feeling. To feel loved and to know somebody needs you. I hope I will never let them down. They give me more support than they will ever realize. It's thanks to them that I do not let the sadness, the hopelessness become the very core of me. They keep the darkness away.
But I will have to let them go one day. What then?
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