Words unspoken

Words unspoken
Hurt the most
This cursory look
But really so telling
Welled, almost overflowing
Fill in the words
Fill in the emotions
Fill in the pain

You wander aimlessly
Behind my back
Eyes searching
Silent and breathless
Waiting, nervously
Fill in the thoughts
Fill in the meaning
Fill in the torment

One step forward
Two steps back
Endless struggle
Nervous hands
Tense voice
Fill in the memories
Fill in the anxiety
Fill in the love

Words unspoken
Bury them
Forever

Republika - tak , tak , to ja

Good old Polish 80's - revisited. Seems ages ago when I last listened to Polish music. Maybe it's time to change that.

Queen - I Want It All

Isn't this song uplifting? So inspiring and assertive. I almost feel I want it all too. People do you hear me? No more where's and why's and living lies! I really need some sleep... I'm done with school, should be calm and relaxed and I'm all in pieces. I need to get out of this house. See some space, breathe, walk with no purpose,no thought, no worry, clear and pure nothing.

My last QC day

My Queens College student days ended today. I am going to remember my last two classes for a long time. For different reasons. My Anthro 201 because it was probably the end of my love affair with Cultural Anthropology. I feel very downhearted about that. It was a thrilling and inspiring affair. It restructured my brain more than any of the Linguistics classes I have taken so far. I think some of it may be permanent, or I hope it will be. I want to develop these kinds of thinking further, before I drown in syntax and semantics and forget about the rest of the world.
The second class is going to go down in my personal history not only because it was conducted by an amazingly brilliant and interesting guy but also because it was interrupted by a fire alarm. I left my last class "in the bells and rings, better than in tears" as my professor observed on our way out of the building. It was a very unique ending, underscoring my grand feelings of sadness and newly born nostalgia...
Now I'm facing a very difficult task - find a way to fully use the time before I sell my soul to my graduate school. I have three and a half months of relative freedom ahead of me, not counting the time I'll have to give to my kids as usually, days and days of cleaning and organizing my apartment before we move downstairs so that the upstairs can be remodelled, as well as doing a dozen other things that I have been putting off until "I have more time." I would still love to have some time to read, go out with my friend, go to the beach a few times, maybe visit a few places in Manhattan... I'm afraid my plans are far too ambitious to be realized easily. I forgot that I also plan to sleep, a lot!

Lily of the valley

I found it on my way home today. In somebody's little front yard garden. It looked so fragile, surrounded by tons of concrete, engulfed by the noise of the city that never sleeps... I was surprised to find its scent was the same as I remember from Poland. I felt, for some reason, that it shouldn't. Smells have always been bringing back memories for me. Memories that are otherwise long dead, forgotten. I am closing my eyes and I can see so many images and voices playing in my head, as if I were to die in a moment. Shreds of my life. Such a smell can only veil the memories in subtle beauty, erase all that's sordid and harsh. But it's so evanescent. I have to hurry. My stolen bunch of fragnance is going to die soon. Not much time left. I can smell the first signs of decay.

A survival strategy?

Is it the case that we construct our own sophisticated world of values, explanations, maxims, and truths just to feel good about the reality we are living? Or rather to deal with the things that are too difficult to face when bare and exposed. Even on a very small personal scale I can say it is quite common. It may be very obvious and then people say somebody lives an illusion or is in denial. I think it is more interesting when nobody notices the illusion or even when the illusion is a generally accepted norm. When you do not subscribe you are a lunatic. It works on every level - from individual people, through social groups, communities, up to entire nations. It may be increasingly difficult to find a commonly built fantasy as the number of people grows, but if we accept a few exceptions or variations here and there I believe it can be done .
Is it a sign of weakness or wisdom? Is there any boundary we should not be allowed to cross in this charade of ours? Can we live our lives without it and stay sane?