I woke up when it was still dark. I could hear rain outside my window. I could almost feel how cold it was. A sudden gust of wind swept through my mind leaving me shivering and empty. My body became too heavy to move. I knew I had to get up. The luxury of indulging in one day of emptiness is hardly an item on my 'to do' list. So I picked myself up, did what had to be done, item by item, until I could do no more. I am sitting here now thinking that I will regret these few moments of reflection I am allowing myself to take right now. How many times have I decided this does no good? How many times have I seen the dire consequences of thinking too much? Take what's good on the surface and do not care about ifs and buts and fears... What you cannot help, what you cannot change, should be left in darkness. Do not let this torment you. You need to shield this last drop of
happiness you carefully store and apply to your tired soul when you cannot go on any more. But is darkness enough?
Let not light see my black and deep desires; The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be Which the eye fears, when it is done, to see. Come, thick night, And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, To cry, 'Hold, hold!'Foul whisperings are abroad. Unnatural deedsDo breed unnatural troubles; infected mindsTo their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets;More needs she the divine than the physician.Question - where do the quotes come from?Why would I fool myself? I cannot make myself not see. I cannot make myself not feel. I cannot make myself not fear. I would have to kill something in myself and I do not even know what or how. I will always see, feel, fear... and this will always make my life harder. Unless somebody else rips out and destroys that part of me and I will stop caring, feeling, I will turn blind and will need neither the physician nor the divine... Take the sadness along, please, to
sweeten the loss.
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Leaving the realm of what better be left unsaid...
December was such a strange month for me - the end of the whole semester that took so much effort to wade through. I was practically brainwashed when I submitted my final papers and did my in-class exam. For a few days I explored the world of being brain dead (which was not that bad, by the way... not being able to think can be so useful sometimes). To make the whole experience more attractive I was plagued along the way with all kinds of health, moral, and marital life ailments and troubles. To list a few, I went through one destructive rage outburst, one extended case of depression, several sleepless nights, a few major anger management issues, one
UTI, a few ear infections, colds, and stomach bugs - all of which affected different members of my family on rotating but often overlapping basis, with me in the lead.
When all that was done and sealed, we went to Mexico. Six days of vacation when you try hard to get out of your system everything that you could not possibly leave behind but ache to get rid of. The first day I tried too hard and needed a few hours to get sober... After that I decided it was utterly stupid to waste my vacation time like this and started to use every minute I had to have fun and relax - something I had not done for a very long time. These several days were probably the best I could possibly have although obviously you cannot escape from all the worries.
Every day I woke up before sunrise and watched the day be born right in front of my eyes. The calmness of that time when the whole resort was still asleep and shrouded with cool morning mist filled me with this feeling of peace you only get when you clear your mind after breaking free from men and man-made creations. I grabbed moments like this throughout the day as well - on a lounge far away from most of the people, on the beach at sundown when everybody went to dinner, on our little balcony when my boys were happily splashing in one of the pools with their dad. But what I loved most were our little trips. As much as I appreciated 24-hour room service, all-inclusive food and drinks, pools and fountains, as well as entertainment throughout the day and at night - I only felt I was in a different country when we were leaving the sheltered world of the hotel.
Of course I can hardly say I know anything much about Mexico - these sevaral trips to mostly tourist-adapted places could not teach a lot - but what it all did for me was to make me more open to and interested in its people and culture.
I remember learning in Poland about Mayas and it seemed so distant and exotic that it bordered with a kind of mystic reality. We learned very little in school about the time of Spanish conquest and close to nothing (except some basic geographical/economic info) about what was happening afterwards. I was thrilled to talk to our Maya guide in Coba and hear him speak a few phrases in his native language. Mayan languages and the ancient writing system are, by the way, quite fascinating but that is another story...
He told us that many Mayas prefer not to reveal their roots as it is often the same as saying they come from backward, poor, and poorly educated family. It is very hard to function and be employable in Mexico if you are monolingual in one of Maya languages. You need Spanish and more and more English as well. But how can you learn anything if your family is too poor to buy shoes for you? You cannot go to school without shoes and proper clothes. There is no way out. Is it a privilage then to work at some hotel where a huge percent of visitors come from the USA? Are the employees there the lucky ones that managed to stay in school long enough to learn the languages needed to be marketable? Even native Spanish speakers have to learn some English to work on most positions at Cancun and Riviera Maya hotels. Mayas have to learn two languages.
Most of the people staying at these hotels take one trip at most - preferably, to one of the most famous and spectacular places like Chichen Itza. Some do not leave their resorts at all. We were a little more curious and... bored - how long can you stay in the pool?!
I'm sure I will remember a lake we found in the jungle much longer than the pools - such a lake is only one, pools are all the same. I remember a group of stalactites and stalagmites that looked like a giant jelly fish, and rocks whose shadow looked like T-Rex, bats sleeping in the cave's ceiling, and an underground cenote that reflected the whole cave so perfectly I felt confused which is the real part and which a reflection. I will remember the tree that looked as if it was about to walk and a fossil of a brain coral on the rocky floor by the lake. I will remember the feel of a dolphin's skin and the screams of the birds. I will remember the rocky shore of Tulum and the wind from the sea. I will remember the sunset I watched from the top of Nohoch Mul pyramid and the vertigo I got when I was going down. I will remember the breeze on my face when we were taken back from the pyramid on tricycles that truly looked handmade...
That was our last day in Mexico. We went to Coba, a 45 minute car ride from our hotel. We were riding along the path cut through the jungle that swallowed this once huge Maya city and I thought about New York I was going back to next day. I shooed the thought away. It seemed too incongruous to happen so soon. The mere thought threatened to spoil this world so different. The air was warm and heavy, it was getting dark, my favorite time of day... Having being one of last visitors that day we were blessed with amazing calmness around. The only movement seemed to be the gentle breeze. It existed because we were moving but I felt as if we were still and the wind was embracing me and whispering "You'll miss it, you'll miss it..." The Maya spirits were right, of course. I do miss it.
