If life was simple....

If life was simple we would not have our heads full of stupid thoughts that we don't need. We would not have so many fears, questions, uncertainties... If life was simple we would get up in the morning knowing exactly what is going to happen each and every minute. Everything would be predictable, systematic, under control. Nobody would wonder what if and what next and whether this or that. We would have our paths set at some point and the only thing to do would be to follow it, faithfully. Things out of ordinary and shocking and exciting would, of course, have to cease to exist as a price to pay for safety and control.

Why this sounds like a nightmare? I mean, it probably is a dream for many people tired of their messy, unpredictable, fucked up lives. What is the force behind this sick want so many of us experience then? What is the limit for most of us? This uncrossable point when we just have had enough and the only craving we have is to become a hermit living in a perfect harmony with nature. I guess some of us can never reach that point. We are like hamsters in a cage running ourselves silly in circles trying to get to a nowhere point. I wonder what would make me quit this endless race. How easy it could be to make me give up. What makes my wheels turn?

My darkest hour

Wounds that time can never mend

The truth that imprisons

Lies that entangle

The more you search

The more pain you find

Disappointment tastes so bitter...

Liberation leads to destruction

The pain inflicted comes back to haunt

Penance makes no difference

Life feels more and more

Like a struggle

When you forget the meaning

Of hope

Nights are filled with

Anguish

Your touch transforms everything into

Ashes

He is not awaiting my return

That love

He had

Is no more

Back in Poland, again.

I wonder... what if I had never left Poland, what if I had stayed here. What I would be like right now? Who I would be? How much different than who I am right now? How much worse? How much better? I cannot deny that all these years in New York must have changed me. All these people I have been around changed me. All these things I got to do, experience, enjoy, and suffer... I wonder how many of these things were place-specific and would have never happened if I had never left Poland. I guess I have mentioned a few times in my posts (though I don't exactly remember as I hardly ever go back to read what I wrote) that I was not exactly the best fitting peg here, especially in my home little town. I'm pretty sure I would not have stayed here, I would have moved somewhere, but where, I'm not sure. I have to admit it - my brain hurts at the thought of me spending my whole life in this small place with a thousand or so people. It feels like I would not be fully alive. It is a struggle to stay alive here.

I have a couple of friends here. People who are quite a few years younger than I am, a young married couple. They have very few friends here, hardly anybody to go out with, to have an engaging conversation with, people with whom it is easy to relax and forget about everyday responsibilities, sometimes so tedious. It might not seem like such a huge problem, it's not like I have tons of friends and hours of free time to go out with them but... But I do have a few close friends worth talking to, people who are always interesting to talk to, always ready to share the good and the bad. AND when I go to my school I am surrounded by people who, certainly not being perfect, are accomplished (or getting there), interested in something other than everyday needs and pains, people who have a story to tell, almost each and every one has experienced a completely different life than I have, each one has something new for me to learn, each one has a different perspective on the world around, a slightly different point of view.

What a blessing that is, I only realized when I noticed how desperate this young couple is to stay alive, to keep growing while everybody tells them to stay down, to keep dreaming while so many people around them forgot what it even meant. Are they wrong to try not to drown in everyday life of a small community? Are they wrong to keep wanting more? Is it wrong to be afraid that all these people will drag them down and slowly drain all their wants and aspirations away from them? I wonder, would I be just like them if I had stayed? Would I have had enough strength to win this fight and find myself a way to stay alive without the advantage of "having it easy" and "being lucky" - something that one of my aunts was kind enough to point out to me when I visited her...