Now, I have a year of grad school behind me, I understood that I would never be a regular student and would never achieve as much as I would like to or could if I were alone but also understood that I would never want to be alone and as much as I get upset sometimes that I should be doing this or that and be at this or that conference, seminar, workshop.... I still think that it is less important, that this does not define me as a person, this is only something that I do but not who I am. I realize that the fact that I think this way makes it very impossible for me to succeed in academia, where you have to be so committed that you are ready to sacrifice everything in your life to reach your goals.
There is only so much I can do if I want to be the person who brings my children up. There is more and more I have to do being a mom, more and more I have to think about as my kids grow. I don't want them to feel like obstacles on my way to building a perfect career. I want to make sure I know them and they know me for who we are deep inside. I want to live with them and not next to them. As much as I can. My school is great, the people I meet there are (at least some of them) smart and interesting, I have made some friends, I learnt a lot (and realized how awfully much I still have to learn) but would give it all up in a split second if given a choice between that and my family. Well, I would be less exhausted if I had no school - that's for sure... I would quit it right now but the problem is, I don't know why, it does make me happy... It is crazy how hard it sometimes gets and I still think that without school I would not feel as happy as I do now. Why? Sadomasohism? I really think there is more wrong with me than that I realize.
