Pain

I give up. I will never write a positive post ever again. The evening after I wrote my last post I was struck with the worst pain I'd had since being in labor... I did not sleep almost the whole night suffering and risking to overdose on painkillers as I was taking one after another with no effect. When it finally stopped around 4 am I was afraid to move. I felt as if I were made of glass that will break into million pieces if I make it move an inch. It took me a whole day to persuade myself that no, I am not made of glass and my body can probably take much more pain and still function - maybe not perfectly well but still well enough for nobody to notice. I'm good at hiding things. Sometimes.
Pain is a funny feeling. It clears your mind of unnecessary stuff and leaves you with the fundamental building blocks of your existence. You are aware of every tiny particle in your body and how your whole being can crush because of just a few of them. You see the big picture. The most important things that you would miss if you had to give in to the pain and its source. But for that it needs to last a while, a short period of pain is just a nuisance you can kill most of the time pretty fast. It cannot go on for too long, though, because then it gives birth to fear and as one wise little green guy said "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate... leads to suffering." I guess it can also work the other way around. Fear and suffering seem to be entangled in one scary nightmare. Anger and hate are closely connected too but for me anger is often a result of feeling powerless about something that is very important to me. I've never experienced the full power of hate though I do not doubt that under certain circumstances I would be capable of this feeling as well. I hope I never will.