Winter Break Reflections

My chronic lack of time has changed my blog to an orphaned child... I guess I don't have time to think anymore. Funny. It's only when I have a break from school that I allow myself a little bit of free thinking time. And it's not fun, definitely not fun. Why think about things that are upsetting and beyond control? Why reflect if reflection only brings uncertainty? Sometimes I am forced by some incidents to think about all kinds of less than agreeable things during my crazy semesters but the amount of work and thinking I have to do about school, house stuff, and kids makes it quite easy to push the anxieties out of sight. Well, maybe 'easy' is a bit of an exaggeration, but it is doable. I know it is a very risky tactic not to face the bad stuff and pretend it does not exist in a naive attempt to make believe that what you cannot see will hopefully disappear... That's so immature. All serious, responsible, smart adults take care of the messes, find solutions, intervene, whatever it takes to remedy a difficult situation. I tend to avoid. Evasion became my very ineffective way of coping. There is always something to evade. I have to say that it took me a while to perfect that technique and then to realize that I did. It is a surprise for me to learn that I do this. I still carry in me the imagine of me as a person who always tries to resolve everything, prove, explain, persuade and do it fast, on the spot, so that nobody manages to escape my powers of setting the record straight! Apparently, life has finally taught me. There are times when I still feel the urge, I still feel the tingling sensation rising in me when something's not right, when I desperately want to change something... But now, most of these 'issues' are so difficult or so emotionally draining. Facing them is such a burden. I give up before I start then and just hide in my shell secretly hoping that maybe it will be safer like that, maybe everything will work out by itself, maybe I won't have to take risks or make so much effort to fix the bad... maybe everything will be ok if I close my eyes for a while, maybe the monsters will disappear and never come back? Maybe...