A day that did not go as planned.

I want to make several major changes to myself. It seems that can be the most ambitious of my projects ever. I don't know how I'm going to do that but I really really need to find a way. If I don't it's not going to be a happy end to anything, I'm going to have too many regrets to even die in peace.

I had a major breakdown today. Although I'm not a stranger to breakdowns and generally feeling miserable for bigger or smaller reasons, this one was different. It was different because it was totally owned by me, caused by me, generally all about me. Would sound almost egocentric if it was not about a negative thing (but maybe it still can be egocentric even if it is negatively egocentric?). I think it was worse than the ones that my husband caused because then I could suffer and still feel a bit disconnected from the source of suffering (obviously, I must know a thing or two about suffering or disconnection, or at least it sounds like it). But this time the suffering was all mine, inside and out. You cannot run, you cannot hide. The last days have slowly built up the pressure and although I was bravely fending all the feelings off desperately trying to stay calm, I could tell yesterday night I getting close to losing it. I had to go to a meeting with my psychologist in the morning and although I felt like staying put today I decided to face the day and do everything what I was supposed to do. After all, that's what I do most of the time. I get up and do what I need to do and maybe even more sometimes. There are days when I do it with ease, there are days when I force myself to do every little thing. But I still do it.

But my day really ended right there at the psychologist's office. I mean, how can you manage to fend feelings off when you are talking about them?! I know that's a point but it did a lot of damage to me today. My mind is so messed up right now that it's pretty amazing I'm actually writing this and maybe even in a coherent way (difficult to judge that when you have your brain all numb). Anyway, I cannot continue because I took sleeping pills a while ago and I'm hoping they will make it possible to close my eyes and just stop thinking for a while. I'm going to think some more tomorrow. Possibly without a new breakdown. It is just too exhausting. And I have so many things to do tomorrow. So many.