After months spent at my desk, with nowhere to look but at my computer, enclosed within four tight walls and no view out my foil-lined window, I find it hard to work when I actually have a view to look at. It's raining now, the air is fresh and the green outside looks more green than it has any right to do... Or maybe I forgot how intense colors may be. I changed the location but my computer followed. Oh, yes, I brought it along, of course. We've become very close over the years, closer than a person should ever get to a thing...
I would gladly go outside now and let a hundred raindrops roll down my face. Some part of me is craving this cold and wet sensory experience. But I'm too lazy, too afraid, too busy with everything, whatever that everything may be. I have mastered the art of shielding myself from all kinds of experiences for the sake of control. It was never my conscious choice. It just somehow developed without me trying hard or even ever thinking about adopting that way of life. It was only much later that I learned the loses are great when you do that and the control does you more damage than good. I also learned that once you start, it gets such a good grip on you, it won't let go. It feels as if it wasn't me anymore, it has a life of its own. So what is there to do if you did not truly make this choice and then you cannot change its consequences? I just realized how ironic that is. I would like to stop my tendency to control everything, I would like to break free of my shackles, I would like to start feeling with my whole being, but I feel utterly powerless and clueless as to how to do that. I guess I should be happy it took over only some areas of my life, ruined just a few things for me. I can still control the rest, right?
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