It's amazing how I am able to make certain decisions in my life - big and small - and somehow not feel totally in control of what I decided to do. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I find it quite hard to accept I made a wrong decision. I hate the "should have" or "shouldn't have" problem so I try very hard to prevent a situation when you are forced to say the hateful "should" thing. I deliberate and think and talk to myself and do a lot of hard mental work in order to foresee each and every facet and all the possible outcomes of my upcoming decision. Everyone older than 6 or 7 knows this is quite often not feasible, even in some simple decisions there are threats and dangers lurking in the shadows. I won't even mention the big, life-changing, crucial-for-your-future decisions. These give me some big time willies, to say the least. I cannot understand how I have ever been able to make any of these. Some of them turned out very positive, some rather devastating.
I know a few people who are much more capable than I am in facing the "should." They simply never say it (or almost never) even if all the circumstances indicate that the classic "should" situation has arisen! They know the "should (not)" will just make you feel more wretched and what would be the point? But I just cannot stop the "should" from popping out every time it gets a chance! I must say I have learnt to control the thing a little - I try not to sound it loud and clear too often but it does reverberate in my mind instead anyway, or maybe even more when I prevent it from getting out and about...
Now I'm starting to feel a bit nervous as I just remembered one or two decisions that are waiting to be taken and I feel I just cannot, simply cannot, get it right. Something, some part of it will surely go wrong. And this is how I don't usually let myself be fully content with lots of things. Always something that could have been improved if only...
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