Demons

I know posting songs and their lyrics is not exactly what blog should be about... or is it? Maybe it's just making it easy on myself. Why write about things that are difficult or impossible to write about if you can do almost the same with a song? Not to mention that with a song you don't really need to worry about somebody getting your meaning wrong - you can always say that well, it was just a song...

The truth is that every day I listen to several songs and tend to stick with the one that best reflects my thoughts, feelings, or my mood that day. Sometimes it is the song that shapes the way I feel. Makes my emotions stronger, forces me to think about something I have carefully avoided, depresses me or energizes me. Next I kill it. I listen to it so many times that it stops meaning anything or starts to mean something different. I like coming back to my blog to listen to these songs. I can remember what I was thinking at that time much better this way than just reading my posts. My posts never express exactly what I would like them to.

Yesterday if I were to post anything it would have been "Beautiful Day" by U2. I loved its contradictions and a surreal feel (maybe only for me?), against everything.



"The traffic is stuck

And you're not moving anywhere."


"Touch me

Take me to that other place

Teach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case."

"You're on the road

but you've got no destination."

I have a destination. So many of them. I just need to reach them. Some say I will but do I believe them? Do I believe in myself? How can I believe "everything will be OK" if I can do so little about most of these matters? And yes...

I see only when in pain

I feel only when hurting

I'm alive only when in agony

Learning the hard way

That my skin feels too much

My body

Hardly ever without bruises

My mind

Killing me with endless pictures

Played repeatedly

Until I am left

Shapeless

Somebody wise once told me that most, if not all people have their own personal demons. You may be aware you have it or be totally oblivious to its presence. You may welcome it, take care of it, help it grow in strength... both consciously or again, unknowingly. It has its way to make you want it to take over bigger and bigger part of your life. It will help you succeed in whatever you choose to do, letting you think you must be doing something good if everything goes so smoothly. You will think you're meeting your destiny. You will follow this path of success, carefully designed and paved for you, and hardly realize how much damage you are doing along the way. You will be led very gently until you've done your share of evil. When not useful anymore you'll be plunged into the depth of failure to make you the most miserable and hateful person on earth... A product of your weakness and self-indulgence.

But there are different roads as well. You can fight it. You can get rid of it and make your inside nice and clean. The dirt swept out. Decorated with flowers. Filled with beautiful fragrances. And then you relax, you get comfortable and lazy. After all, you've done a hell of a job, haven't you? How could you have known that your demon never left your side, that it had been sticking around close enough to watch... It knows you. It knows you better than you want to know yourself. You wouldn't be able to stand knowing yourself this way - wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you saw everything... So it will just lay low and wait for you to leave your door or window open, even just a little tiny bit, and fall asleep. It will be back inside sooner than you would ever think possible. And it will bring friends. Nobody wants to live alone, even a demon. It so much fun to play this game with some company around. Especially in such a pretty place you made for them!

Is there anybody in this world that manages to keep one's windows and doors shut tightly at all times?