Today one of my classes was taken over by a new professor - a truly brilliant and accomplished scholar whose dissertation advisor back a few decades ago was nobody else than good old Noam Chomsky. Two hours of his lecture went by like a few minutes. His interests include semantics, pragmatics, and philosophy of language. I was listening to him and simultaneously contemplating how big my ignorance is. What an exercise in humility! Love it.
Anyway, he chose to be my advisor when I was admitted to this school and I don't have the courage to change it although my interests overlap only partially with his. Now, I will have to face the fact that if I need some advice (and I will need some very soon) and I have to meet with him and have a nice little chat. Scary. I think it always hurts to realize how inadequate your knowledge is even though you know you cannot possibly absorb all there is to know with the time limits you have. Still, I think I should know more about certain things. I am thinking what is better - the fact that I have other responsibilities in my life which prevent me from going crazy trying to learn more and more and more.... or the fact that without enough time investment into studying I will always be behind those with smaller burdens. Sane but slow. Hmmm... I don't know.
Talking about philosophy in general, I have been thinking what drives people apart - is it what they say to each other, or what they don't say? Is more important what they do or what they don't do? Is it the fear of getting hurt? Is it our innate selfishness? Is it the fact that communication is so difficult that it is a miracle we seem to understand more or less what the other person is babbling about (or we only think we understand)? I suppose we really don't get each other at all much more often than we think. Is it because we get too busy and engrossed in our troubles, duties, feelings? It is difficult even when you are native speakers of the same language and share similar life experiences - what if you don't have these things in common?
Sometimes I am in the middle of saying something and I get this sudden impression that what I say is being subconsciously formed by my own mind in such a way as to persuade the listeners and me that reality is this and not that. My whole tirade must then serve some purpose I have not really known I had, never has a fully shaped thought like that crossed my mind and yet, here I am saying all this and feeling more and more excited as I am discovering that yes, this is exactly what I feel and want to say - this is the TRUTH! Bullshit. The moment I realize that I have just shaped, handcrafted ('mind-crafted'?) this beautiful piece of truth that fits me so nicely I know that it is worthless. It is pure manipulation. It's just saying "here I am, look at me, this is who I am, this is how it works and looks like, see and believe, here's the proof, blah,blah, blah...." No, this is just what I want you to think I am and maybe I want me to believe it too. Nothing that fits nicely has a great potential of being necessarily true. It is usually the opposite.
I don't know me that well. I'm acting sometimes as if I did but I really don't. And I'm not even sure if wanted to know all about myself as that could be difficult to accept. I have never liked bitter pills. It hurts like hell to get a full glimpse of even one truly ugly side of oneself. Unfortunately, bliss is a very fleeting state. Ignorance - so often a requirement for bliss - can only last a while. Even for a slow learner.
1 comment:
I have heard that a person is made up of three personas: the person they are, the person who other people see them as, and then the person they really are. All of these are very different, yet true perceptions in essence. The real beauty is when someone accepts you for all of these truths.
And what drives people apart? Easy. Lack of communication. It may be a conscious decision to stop communication with someone or it may be inadvertent -- busy schedules tend to do that. It can happen in one's own home, right under their nose. One can also have incredible communication with someone on the other side of the world. Commitment to communicate is what keeps relationships alive. That doesn't mean there can't be breaks for whatever reason, but it's a necessity for any relationship.
Miscommunication is what damages friendships faster than anything else. People always think they know what others are thinking. And that is hardly the case. There's no faster way to break up a friendship than when one thinks they are almost omnipotent and can know without communication what another person is thinking or feeling.
I guess the patient person keeps faith that even in times of distance there is always the abiltiy to come together again. Just patience and time are needed, and then the willingness to re-communicate (if there is such a word) when the dust settles. There are friends I have that I will not talk to for months, but when we are together again, it's like we were never apart. And that is truly a wonderful and miraculous thing.
Finally, today is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for you Eva -- even while you are totally wrapped up in your grad school chaos.
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