Energizer Bunny

I love creative people. People with energy, people whose life is always full of ideas. Maybe because I feel sometimes I could use more of these qualities. I get tired of people who never have anything new to say, who never surprise me with anything, whom I feel I know inside out after I talk to them for an hour or two... Am I a bad person for saying that? I see myself as having qualities of a rechargeable battery sometimes or a sponge, if somebody prefers. I need to have a certain type of people around me to get my lazy self going. I need their passion, energy, and desires to stimulate me, inspire me. I get influenced by such people easily, and it is dangerous, I know. Sometimes the kinds of energy I absorb can be destructive. I should look for energy deposits in myself and not drain it off of other people... But this is the reason why I cannot be around people who sap others even more than I do.

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I went to visit a couple of my husband's friends. They wanted us to come together for so long, and my poor husband, having predicted the outcome, tried to avoid it for so long that finally we ran out of any excuses. They had their neighbors over. It was a true, horrifying, brainwashing nightmare. I don't even know were to start - with the show they were glued to, with the lack of any interaction except a few dumb comments to the dumbest show on the Earth, with the amount of drinking that did not help to kill the morbid atmosphere? I felt that if we had spent a couple more hours there we would have turned into zombies and eaten their fucking pea sized brains up! I'm sorry, I needed to get it out. I feel both better and worse now. I shouldn't say things like these. I should be tolerant, open, and humanity loving. I have nothing against these people. I wish them all the best; I'm sure they are model citizens, good neighbors, perfectly harmless people. I'm sure that in many ways they are better people than I am. But God, please, do not make me spend time with them again!

As for my husband's friends... well, it's not going to last, just like my husband insightfully predicted. After a few get-togethers I know even too much about them. Shallow deposits, easily depleted... Oh, I cannot believe I'm saying that, I feel so bad, I still have these "what's appropriate to say" restraints stubbornly residing in me, which probably is a good thing. We cannot just go rambling about anything we want and any way we want, for God's sake! Some decency, please...

I think that for some unimaginable reason God loves me. I've been so bad but He keeps sending me these wonderful people at the crucial moments in my life to save me from myself. I've got an unfortunate tendency to throw myself in situations and get influenced by people who side track me a bit from time to time. First, my husband, who has never bored me since I met him so many years ago. I can say a lot about him, I can say he drives me crazy and brings me to the edge on regular basis, I can say I've been contemplating a murderous scheme against him not once already, I can say he is the stubbornness man I know, and so on and on and on... But I cannot say he is boring. It took a while for him to disclose all the sides to him, some of which I forced out of him in the most unfortunate circumstances in my typically subtle and error free manner, but when he did... Let's say I've got a wash-and-go deal, Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader in one! Aren't I lucky! Now we have an ongoing contest - "who's crazier in our house?"

Let's see... oh, yes. More lifesaving people. Not counting one amazing priest and several inspiring teachers and professors, I'll probably get to them at some point in this blog, I would say I have had three true friends in my life. Some people would say it's really not many, nothing to be proud of. I feel it is a lot. Two of them belong to my past now and although I miss them I know that what we experienced together had its time and place and just ran its course for now for several reasons. I have somebody else now in my life and I have to admit I still cannot believe how lucky I am. To have somebody by your side who understands you without words, who accepts you with all your craziness and moodiness and whatever else, who is ready to support you and be there for you although you often have nothing to offer in exchange... this is extraordinary. Thank you for your energy and passion, my friend. You show me roads I wouldn't see myself and give me courage I would never be able to muster alone. I don't deserve it. I'm positive I don't deserve. I hope I don't mess this one up...

Back to where we started. We see all those successful musicians, writers, painters, photographers, actors, passionate thinkers who change the world, and whoever else you want to add here, and we think "oh, if only I had a chance like this", or "I'd like to be in their place." If you think it comes to them easily, that they succeed in life out of luck or this amazing talent only, I think you should think again. Of course you need these two things but most importantly you need to persevere, against everything and everybody sometimes, you need to work hard, often harder than you think you can take, and you need to sacrifice so much... Sure, some of them got where they are because of some lucky coincidence but I believe if it's just that then they go down pretty fast. These that stay, and continue, and grow are whom I admire. To be given a chance is one thing, to be able to use it is another. This is the true test of greatness. The depth and richness such people possess takes my breath away. Just being talented is not enough. This is not to say that I despise people who lack the ability to make it even if they are gifted in some way. I feel sad for them. I feel sad for the world that misses so much because for some reason, at this point in time and space, these people just cannot make things work.