I have been suffering from insomnia for the last few nights. I had trouble with sleep before but this was unusually long and left me exhausted. Now I dread going to bed. I'm trying to find a reason or rather reasons for this but there are so many... I don't even want to start. Maybe I just need to slow down if it's at all possible in this crazy world of mine. Would I even be able to really relax, stop worrying, stop rushing, stop trying to do everything for everybody, and for myself? I used to criticise people who cannot rest, who lost this ability to just let go and do something for fun. Now I think I don't have time to do something like this. Or do I just feel that I would waste this precious commodity that my time has been transformed into... Waste and not do something important, something that would make a difference, something that would be an investment in the future... What would I be worth if I turned myself off for a while? I could disappear. But then... if I wanted to come back, would there be something to come back to? Would I be able to put everything in order again, make it work?
I made my decision about my graduate school. I think I made a good and practical choice. But the world is full of other possibilities, maybe less practical, maybe ones that look less practical but would actually make me happier, more fulfilled? Silly dreams. How can you ever tell what would make you happy, what would be "the life" for you. Most of the time we simply grope around in darkness trying to avoid a major crash, happiness seems to be pure luck. Can we really think we have any power to control our life? Some people maybe can, or it just looks like they can, maybe they have only learnt how to disregard the trips and falls better than others have. At my age I should know better than letting myself speculate like that. What good is it? Just brings you insomnia. That would be one of the reasons for it, I guess.
2 comments:
Blessed are the ones who do not know it. At first it is nice - so much time to kill - but each next night is getting longer and brings worse dreads. There is nothing to do but think. Alone in perfect silence around, your thoughts are piercing you so much.
Once you cross the line there is no way back. You finally fall asleep at dawn, exhausted and filled with negative emotions.
And then you awake after 1-2 hours of uneasy sleep fully aware that particle of you just died last night.
Blessed, indeed... The worst part for me is this state of lingering on the border of sleep, almost there, almost able to touch it, but every time I get too close I feel as if a minute dose of adrenaline was injected in my veins, and another, and another... Not enough to make me fully awake but enough to make my heart beat faster, preventing from falling asleep. Then all those images come, from the darkest parts of my mind... But that is another story to tell. Or maybe rather to forget.
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