OK, some more "me, here, so misunderstood" whinning... But it really makes me furious how I am expected to behave in a certain way just because I don't live here anymore and probably especially because I moved so far away. I do understand that things are different but I won't be visiting every single aunt and cousin and soon after I come because people think I am too proud to make them feel like visiting me. It may sound a little confusing but I think it works this way - because it seems obvious to some that I must be feeling superior to them, I have to go out of my way to be very humble and do things I never did when still here (like visit some members of my family, not to mention have some meaningful conversations with them).
People project things, thoughts, feelings, and I don't know what else on me and I am supposed to prove it all wrong. And it's getting worse - a couple of years ago people would just informally come over for a while to talk or we would just talk a moment when we met somewhere shopping or whatever and that's it. Now I really feel like never leaving my mom's garden. I used to get more smiles, nods, meaningless but at least neutral small talk here and there and now I'm mostly getting these searching glares, I don't know... I'm sitting here, quite frustrated, trying to figure out how much the bad vibe I'm getting is real and how much it's something I make up, or feel because I've changed too much. I know one thing - I don't feel comfortable among these people. And I don't feel comfortable not feeling comfortable!
Why do they have to expect all those things from me? I don't think I made them do it by behaving in some particular way because they hardly see me! And it's not very different from how it was when I was living here. But I was one of them then, so maybe that's why it was ok?
I just want them to leave me alone, have some peace finally. I want nobody to know me! I simply can't find a place where I could have some peace... Is it so much to ask? A place where I could stop thinking, remembering, planning, expecting, fearing, obsessing about... a place where I could just be. I should look for it somewhere inside my mind - if it's not there how can I find it outside? But my mind feels like a crazy rollercoaster ride most of the time... It's not that I don't like rollercoasters - actually, I got totally addicted to them after I got on one for the first time (not so long ago, by the way, we don't have those really good ones in Poland yet so I had to wait until my son got big enough to drag me on one). But you cannot make a home on a rollercoaster, can you? You need to get off and get a rest. Where's my rest? Have to wait for RIP, I guess.
Now, coming back to expectations. These are such tricky beasts. Can never feed them enough, cannot kill them as the are usually too big, cannot ignore them as you'd trip over them sonner or later anyway. The world is so full of them, bombarding you from every possible direction, sometimes making it difficult to figure out what your true feelings are. Can never satisfy them, always slipping when trying. Always someone gets disappointed. What if there were none? What would we do? How would we behave? Maybe then, finally, we would be able to live up to them... they would not exist - how difficult could that be? How unimaginably stupid do I sound right now?
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