Forlornness

I'm just so incredibly sad. I cannot shake if off... It's funny that I could be feeling angry, upset, hurt, totally infuriated... But no, I feel sad. Sad. Sad. And tired. Very tired.
I could get into that power-struggle game but I know this would just lead to more hurt, nobody wins in power-struggles... Everyone is a loser. It does not solve anything, it just aggravates any problems that already exist and creates new ones.
So I was shown my place. I was shown how little I mean. How easily I can be punished on a whim. It is curious, again, how it did not make me feel weak but only sad. And frustrated. Should I change my life because of that? Should I expect more of this? I have always suspected that the line about equal rights is, well, only a line. Cold hard cash is what gives you power and control. You don't bring it, you are not to make any decisions. All the things you are doing would cost money but as you are doing them, nobody cares - you are not earning, you may just be saving -  and that just does not cut it. The fact that I have given so many years... does not count. I cannot do things like these that were done to me. Although I have to tolerate this now never-ending, incredulous money-wasting, down the drain and up the air, every day. Money wasting that may have dire consequences, which may lead to broken health and broken lives. Far more than what I have ever wasted. But I don't have any power to do anything about that. I can just look. I am expected not to say much about it. It is not my business. I'm not PAYING for this. I cannot make a few phone calls to help get over my sadness and my frustration. I don't hold the power. As I always said, I own nothing, I am nothing. I'm just floating here and there and there is no place I belong. No place I can call mine. It's been shown to me. Loud and clear. It filled my heart with so much sadness I cannot describe it. I cannot lift this weight that seems to have crushed me and pinned me down to the ground. So I will just have to deal with it. Somehow I will have to find a way to deal with it and go on. If I still want to have a life. Some life. I don't plan ahead anymore. There is always something waiting for you to make your plans never come true. You cannot prepare yourself for everything. Planning seems so futile. I've been there before so I may just as well go back to living only day by day, one day at a time.
I just wish I could stop feeling so sad. I would prefer to feel angry. It's equally exhausting but does not make you feel like slowly dying inside.