By hurting others one so often hurts oneself... Trying to avoid more hurt is probably not such a great tactic when it leads to something nasty anyway. I do not have any more ideas. Just trying not to sink. I ran out of ideas. I don't see any roads, paths, exits. I live one minute at a time. Just this minute, and another minute, and another one. I even stopped asking myself 'why?' - there is no reason, no underlying explanation, no one source of all the evil. And even if there is, I cannot see it and certainly cannot defeat it.
It's only that... sometimes I feel that it could all be solved, almost instantly. That it is within our reach but we are blind to it... if we look, we look at wrong places, we get more and more confused, hopeless. But I get that feeling less and less often. These moments are becoming less and less intense. We are letting this slip through our fingers and we are not even fighting much to keep it. I think we'll both regret it if we lose it eventually. We do not even realize what's at stake, what the cost is... Can one estimate the cost of annihilating something that started as pure and good? Something that gave birth to two wonderful, sweet boys? If one bad day can influence many days afterwords, if a few harsh words can make you sad for days, what can children feel when their home is broken up? How can one ever repent of that? Just imagining that makes me choke with pain.
I woke up screaming a few times over the last weeks. I just screamed myself awake. I could still feel the terror, I could taste it in my mouth. I think I carry this fear in me all the time. I manage to push it back, to the very borders of my consciousness... but it gets me when I don't have the control, when I'm asleep.
Have I ever asked you for forgiveness for the pain, for the sorrow, for the loneliness? Over the years I have had a good share of that myself... I guess it's rightly so. Life has balanced the debts. There is no forgetting and forgiving in this world. Hurt burns deep. Only God Himself can heal such wounds.
2 comments:
Hm. Not doing so well, then.
Oh, you know, I'm such a drama queen... I write only when I'm in a particularly dark mood. One of my friends once said I could turn everything into a heart-wrenching drama.
Sometimes I feel bad that I almost never write about happy things. It probably says something disturbing about me that it feels strange and trivial to write about warm and fuzzy feelings.
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